Even the Sun shines on a dog’s ass…

So I was surfing the enormous amount of cable television channels that I currently get and wandered across this bizarre little film called Sunshine.  Of course it was already in the middle of the movie when I found it, but the plot wasn’t all that difficult to discern within a few minutes of watching.  The gist is that it is a Gazillion years in the future and the Sun has had enough.  It wants to shuffle off the mortal coil and move its decrepit ass to the solar equivalent of Southern Florida.  Humanity the egocentric bastards that they happen to be feel that this would basically really suck and are determined to prevent this from happening.

Basically since it is a Bazillion years in the future (the writers were very careful to be nonspecific) the Sun has used up almost all of its internal fuel and is starting to dim.  For those of you of a scientific bent, no the Sun has not become the red giant star every single astrophysicist since the dawn of astrophysics has claimed will happen it is in fact just fading away.  The Earth of course has started to freeze and is now a permanent Winter Wonderland.  Humanity has come up with a plan to jump-start the Sun again using what they refer to as a stellar bomb.  The idea being that they send the bomb into the heart of the Sun and like a shot of epinephrine fire up (heh) the Sun back to full brightness.

Our intrepid heroes are the 2nd team that has been sent to reboot our Mother star, Seven years after the first team was declared missing.  Seeing as flying anything near the Sun is inherently unwise the Icarus 2 is using the stellar bomb as a sunscreen.  It cleverly has panels that can be adjusted to reflect the dangerous rays and radiation from the fragile ship and crew.  Additionally the Icarus 2 is not only controlled by humans but has a semiautonomous computer system that maintains the flight path, and environmental systems to keep the crew alive.

Things are going swimmingly as the Icarus 2 approaches the planet Mercury, there is a minor scuffle between crew members as they enter the communications dead zone (output of the Sun yo) but all is resolved peacefully by the Sun obsessed on-board shrink.  This is one of the first things that started to bother me about this film.  Within the first 20 minutes the shrink is having a passionate discussion that darkness is the absence of light, that without the Sun we having and are nothing.  He is in fact so obsessed with the Sun that he spends a lot of the movie sitting in the observation room looking at it.  Trying to figure out how much he can reduce the filter without dying.  Eventually the on-board computer determines that he can withstand a 3.1% reduction of the filter for 30 seconds without permanent damage and he spends the remainder of the film with a badly sunburned and peeling face.

As they are approaching Mercury and are making their final preparations on their approach to the Sun when they pick-up an unexpected signal.  Much to their surprise the Icarus 1 was not in fact destroyed.  The distress signal puts our intrepid heroes into conflict.  With the crew almost evenly divided between completing the mission and delivering their bomb thus possibly saving humanity or solving the mystery and discovering what happened to the first crew.  As with all decisions of this kind it is left up to the meek science type.  You know the academic who hides behind everyone hoping and praying to God that no one notices him/her.

Predictably he relies on the numbers.  The mission as is does not have a 100% chance of success.  Too many variables and unknowns for that and as it should come to no surprise whatsoever it is decided that with the Icarus 1 still being intact 2 bombs are better than 1.  The course is altered and the die is cast.  Up until now the mission has been going smoothly, too smoothly.  The movie Gods have decreed that a detail must be missed.  Through all of the calculations no one thinks to reposition the sun shield and the delicate bits get damaged.

Three of the movable panels have been damaged and will no longer close and the Captain and the scientist are selected to go out and fix them.  At this point it is an old comedy trope, seriously if you cannot predict what is about to happen you need to leave my blog.  I mean it, get out.

To no one’s surprise (seriously if you are surprised you need to leave) the repairmen cannot be guaranteed shadow they are on the clock.  They manage to repair 2 of the panels before full sunlight and as they are repairing the 3rd the Sun creeps toward them.  The Captain sends our friendly neighborhood scientist back to the ship while he finishes the repair.  Since this isn’t a disaster flick the Captain (my Captain) manages to finish the repair just as the Sun hits that panel. He is of course consumed by flames and as he meets his fiery end the shrink is screaming into the radio for the Captain to tell him what he sees.  The Captain does a really good impression of well-done bacon and the scientist makes it safely back into the ship.

The movie Gods are vengeful.  They have decreed that not only is blood required, but there must also be suffering.  While trying to give the repair crew as much shade as possible the rotating radio masts are exposed to direct sunlight.  Of course they are burned out and somehow this causes fire (in a vacuum no less) to shoot down into the hydroponics/life support section of the ship and set it ablaze.  With their only source of renewable air burning and the integrity of the ship at risk they decide to release tanked O2 to cause a flash over in an attempt to burn out the fire.  Having been satiated the movie Gods allow the fire to be extinguished.

To the surprise of no one (really if you ARE surprised you NEED TO LEAVE) the intrepid crew does not have enough oxygen to complete their mission. Fingers are pointed, nasty names are called and the crew member responsible for forgetting to adjust the sunshield is now suicidal.  Our suicide risk is doped up and four of the remaining seven crew members prepare to board the Icarus 1.

Who goes?  I hear you ask.  The new Captain, the shrink, the engineer, and the scientist.  Once they are onboard the Icarus 1 the first thing they notice is that the power is off and everything is coated in a huge layer of dust and grit.  They decide to split up as they search the ship for survivors.  Anyone who has ever seen a horror movie already knows this is just a bad idea and will not, end well.

What they discover is that the hydroponic section is still intact and is in fact overgrown like crazy (they have air).  The semiautonomous computer systems brain has been removed from its cooling liquid and has since deep-fried itself.  Some of the crew members have apparently exposed themselves to 100% of the Suns magnificence and are now ashy statues and last but not least the Icarus 1 is dead in the water.

Since we have had about 5 minutes without a life being endangered something must happen!  Anyone that had money on the Icarus 2 suddenly and violently disengaging from Icarus 1 is now a winner.  That’s right sports fans the airlock is destroyed and our industrious away team is now fucked since there are 4 of them and only 1 space suit.  One would assume that there is now a rather violent game of rock/paper/space-your-ass but no there isn’t.  The psychiatrist decides to remain aboard the Icarus 1, the scientist gets the space suit and the engineer and new Captain have to tag-along for the ride.

Unsurprisingly the new Captain does not make it back to the Icarus 2 (loses his grip dontcha know) and floats off into space.  The scientist and engineer make it back safely (relatively) and there is a rather unpleasant discussion about who sabotaged the airlock and the fact that there are too many people and too little air.  A consensus is eventually reached that the suicidal crew member must be responsible (and sucking down too much o2) so the engineer goes down to the sickbay to shiv his ass only to discover someone has already beaten him to it.

Ok it was previously determined that there was only enough air left for 4 people to complete the mission.  On our roster we have the navigator, the scientist, the engineer and the life support specialist (aka the gardener) and unsurprisingly the computer advises that they cannot complete the mission because there will not be enough air to keep everyone alive.  The scientist argues with the computer that there are in fact only 4 people on board and the computer blithely informs him that there are in fact 5.

Things kind of go off the rails for me at this point.

The computer is smart enough to recognize the biometrics of its crew, but it doesn’t bother to tell anyone that they suddenly have a new crew member?  Who destroys the airlock? Who kills a crew member (the suicide risk)? And then kills another crew member (the gardener)?

Really?

Our mystery guest also manages to chase the scientist into the airlock and locks him in (or is it out?) after explaining that he (the weirdo) has spent the last few years speaking to God (aka the Sun) and that they are heretics and need to die.  The navigator is able to elude him by locking herself in with the stellar bomb.  Somehow our mystery guest is also able to extract the computer core from its cooling liquid (once again where the hell is the security to prevent this?) and the engineer dies while trying to get the computer back online.

The scientist jumps into a space suit, manages to open the airlock (exposing it to vacuum) and thanks to explosive decompression airs out the entire ship.  Pretty convenient way to get rid unexpected murderous guests… or is it?  The scientist makes his way to the bomb enters the airlock and discovers that he is not alone.  Both the navigator and the UMG have made it safely in.  Our hero manages to launch the bomb towards the sun, take out the UMG and save humanity.  The movie ends with a view of a snow covered field and a woman and child are playing in the snow.  They suddenly look up and we hear a voice over from the scientist telling his sister that she will know they succeeded if one day the Sun should shine a bit brighter.

Law Abiding Cinema

Did you know dear reader(s) that there are laws in cinema?  Shocking I know but it is true.  There are just some things you cannot do (without being punished) and some things that need to be a very specific way in movie land.  “What are these things?!?” I hear you cry, well here are a few of them:

  1. All bed sheets in movie land are L shaped.  Long on her side short on his.
  2. The Good Guy/Gal must always win (in the end).
  3. Female genitalia is ok, male genitalia is forbidden.
  4. The MPAA has at least one priest that helps to determine a film’s rating.
  5. The truer the subject matter the less people care.

Why should you care about any of these facts?  Well, you should because with what is listed above some movies will suffer an ignominious death on the shoals of anonymity for violating some part of the Code of Movie Laws.  Additionally there are some movies that flirt with violating these laws which makes them very interesting (at least to me) and then just as they start to cross the Rubicon they swerve away and go from interesting to dull, lifeless and entirely to predictable.  Such is the case of Law Abiding Citizen…

Ok dear reader let us imagine for a moment that you are a mind bogglingly brilliant person, someone who has turned their brilliance to inventing all sorts of incredibly useful gadgets.  A genius’s genius, someone who if they put their mind to something could literally move a mountain.  Now imagine that you are working at home (not to mention male just in case any of the three people who read this blog are of the womanly variety) and there is a knock at the door.  You ask your beautiful daughter to go clean up as your darling wife announces that dinner is almost ready and go to answer the door.  Instead of your friendly neighbor Ezekiel coming to return the compound longbow that he borrowed to hunt gophers you meet Mr. Bat.

Mr. Bat is used to knock the shit out of you.  When you awaken you find that you have had your hands cable-tied together and duct tape has been put over your mouth.  Which makes me wonder is there nothing that duct tape is not useful for?  Seriously think about it.

Need to restrain someone?

Answer: duct tape.

Need to restrain a struggling child?

Answer: duct tape.

Significant other just won’t shut the fuck up?

Answer: duct  tape!

And the bad men who have tied you up stab you in the gut and proceed to rape and murder your family.  Of no surprise to anyone a deal is made so that one goes to jail for a few years and after making a deal to testify against his companion.  Of course the one that got the deal is the one responsible for the actual rape and murder the other?  Well he gets the death penalty. C’est la vie.

Dear reader, in truth I have had a lot of trouble writing this review as the movie itself is totally predictable since it stubbornly will not violate any of the Laws of Cinema. There really just isn’t anything to redeem this movie.  The main character (our widower) is a super genius who has a burning passion for revenge. On top of that he had ten years, let me repeat that for the deaf among you,

TEN YEARS

to plan your revenge.  Every last little detail; how you would torture the killer, your confession to the authorities, how in the end to take down the whole system because you know that the system will do and that the whole thing is broken.  But here we run into a problem, for this whole plan to work you have to be the good guy and in this movie you aren’t.  You have become the bad guy and your entire plan revolves around the fact that you have moved all of your businesses to Panama where supposedly your business transactions are unavailable to American authorities especially the D.A. who made the deal with the man who killed your family.

For a super genius this is a pretty stupid thing to hang your entire plan on, additionally not planning on the fact that the D.A. actually getting that information is also really stupid.  You create this involved and elaborate plan to extract  your revenge and you assume that you are totally bullet proof? Wow… you may as well just shoot yourself in face now.

So, you kill the killers, the Po-Po discover that you are behind it and you dangle the hope that you will give a full confession as long as you get an adjustable mattress and a nice meal from a fancy restaurant before 1:00 PM.  Being the incredible genius that you are you have of course anticipated that this will not happen and the authorities arrive to late and find the lawyer of the men who killed your family dead in a box that you buried a few days before.  The kicker of course being that you programmed his oxygen to shutoff at 1:00 PM and if they had gotten your food to you on time he would not be dead.  On top of that you have also arrange for the judge who presided over the trial of your family murderers to get a bullet through the face from her cellphone.  The cherry of that sundae of suck being that she gets it in front of the D.A. who made the original deal.

Of course your whole plan also depends on your being sent into solitary confinement so to do this you murder your cellmate.  How do you murder your cellmate?  Well you use the tools you have available, in this case the bone from your t-bone steak.  Kind of classy touch in retrospect but it does mean that you are now covered in arterial spray.  Well if it gets you what you want I guess it can’t be too bad.

Now why would anyone want to intentionally be sent into solitary?  I hear you ask.  Well it is because part of your plan means you need to be outside the prison walls and this means you had to tunnel into each solitary confinement cell so that you could build a hidden access door oh and this also means you needed to buy some commercial property near the prison so you could come and go unnoticed.

What else is in your little bag of tricks?  Well you demand that the D.A. let you go and drop all charges before morning or you will kill more people. predictably he refuses and calls in his entire office to tear apart your life they of course setup shop in the prison.  What is your plan?  Well you wired all of their cars to explode the moment someone leaves the prison grounds (invisible dog fence yo) which turned on at 6:00 AM that next morning.  Sadly more lawyers die… and the D.A. is really out to get you now.

You kill his boss just after the funeral for all of the dead lawyers.  The D.A. of course manages to identify properly that you bought despite the fact that you moved all of your business records to Panama and they unravel your entire plan.  They figure out that you tunneled into prison, that you have been able to leave whenever you want to and that you have also scored a job cleaning the Governors mansion.  In your crusade to destroy the system you have come up with the really cool plan to blow up most of the people responsible for Governing the state of Massachusetts.  Since the D.A. and the Po Po have tumbled to your plan they find the bomb you left and manage to remove it from the building and to leave it as a little present in your cell.  After a little power play between you and the D.A. (who was waiting in your cell) you basically tell him to fuck off and dial your bomb.  He runs away and you die.

Now if you were really that fucking smart, why didn’t you assume they would find your records?  Why didn’t you oh I don’t know expect them to figure everything out and put a device that would set off the bomb if someone moved the fucking thing after you armed it?

These are easy questions to answer.  Do you want the answer kiddies?  Well that is because you aren’t the good guy.  Remember, the American movie going audience doesn’t like it when the bad guy wins.  So the writers had to put in an easy out for the good guys.  You had to assume they would never be smart enough to get your business records and that they wouldn’t ever be smart enough to figure out your plan because the bad guy (even if he is actually right) can never EVER win.  Why?  Because that would lead audiences to remember the real world.

Answer: duct tape.

Need to seal over a bullet wound?

Answer: duct tape.

Significant other won’t shut the fuck up?

Answer: duct tape!

You and your wife get stabbed and one of the robbers takes your daughter into another room and well you can imagine what happens then.  Sadly your wife and daughter die but you survive to see justice done.  Only the D.A. in charge of the case has made a deal with the one of the robbers to testify against the other.  The one that made the deal and turned on his partner gets a great deal, 5 years in prison while the other gets the death penalty.  The D.A. sits down with you and explains that the case is weak and this is the only way to get a conviction.  You try to reason with him and explain that the one getting the deal is the one who stabbed you and is also the one that killed your family.  But alas your cries fall on deaf ears the deal is made.

Now you may be asking yourself what does this have to do with the title of this damn post.  Well dear reader it has to do with the fact that most movie going audiences do not want to see the bad guy(s) win.  It seems that to the average person it is inconceivable that the villain could ever win (unlike real life).  So it has become a Law of the Cinema that the bad guy does not win.  This is an important fact to remember, now back to our main character…

Ten years has passed.  You used to be an inventory of sorts acquiring several patents enough that you could live very comfortably with your family until the incident that is.  In the ten years you have turned your powers to solving knotty problems for the government.  Problems that do not get talked about, you have figured out clever ways to kill people using very clever devises and now is your moment of revenge.

The bad guy on death row is finally ready to meet his destiny the time has come to walk the green mile.  However you have something to say about that, using your clever abilities you manage to replace the drugs for the lethal injector with something a bit more interesting.  Instead of a gentle shuffling of the mortal coil he leaves this world screaming in agony.  A cruel exit to be certain but certainly an understandable one.

For the bad man that was responsible for the death of your family you have something even nastier in mind.  After escaping from the police (with your help of course) you paralyze him with some puffer fish poison and then proceed to carve him into smaller pieces.  Retaining your sense of the macabre you videotape your special time with the bad guy as you butcher him into twenty-five separate pieces.

30 Days of AUUGGGHHH MY EYES!?!

There are few things in the world which can be considered truly depressing and a bad movie is certainly one of those things. However there are only a few movies that cause me to wonder how much of the material of my seat I would need to fashion a noose with which to hang myself. Sometimes a bad movie is just bad enough to be enjoyable and then there are the movies that there is just no saving them. Like the Titanic they are just doomed to sink into the murky abyss.

I am a bit of an indifferent reader of comics, however occasionally I find myself in a comic book store perusing the stacks for that one diamond among the rough. On one of those rare occasions I found a title called 30 Days of Night which turned out to be a comic about a small town at the top of the world which has the unfortunate distinction of becoming an all-you-can-eat-buffet for vampires.  The artwork was brutal in its minimalism and the lettering was severe in the extreme (if somewhat hard to read). Needless to say I really did enjoy it quite a bit so I was pretty excited to see it turned into a movie.

Now there is a tradition of turning comics into movies.  There have been a few notable successes: Spider Man & Spider Man 2, Superman 1 through 3  and a few others.  However most of the time something gets lost in translation and a good read becomes a lousy movie.

Our story is about a small town in Alaska named Barrow which has the dubious honor of being located at the top of the world and is known for having extended periods of night.  30 days of Night to be precise.  This is of course advantageous if you happen to be a creature of the night with time on your hands. The story revolves around an idea that a younger vampire has about having a good time hunting people without having to worry about the world finding out that vampires actually exist. In the comic there is a small group of people who do in fact know that vampires are real and they learn of the plan to gang rape the town of Barrow and they dispatch one of their own to get video proof of the attack. This is an important fact to remember for later.

Now a good orgy takes preparation and so our intrepid party goers want to keep interruptions to a minimum so they send in a minion to prepare the way.  The minion, who has been promised immortality goes into town and manages to steal all of the cell and satellite phones from the town and burns them.  He also kills all the dogs in town as well.  Why the dogs I hear you ask?  Sled dogs baby, sled dogs.  It may be 800 miles to the nearest town but we don’t want anyone leaving the party early.  Never mind that the minion does nothing about the snow mobiles or other forms of transportation (in the movie at least).  Eventually the long night starts to settle in and the minion of course gets in trouble at the last-minute,  gets arrested by our hero Sheriff Eben and spends the remainder of his short time on Earth stuck in a jail cell.  Sadly he does not get his promised immortality guess you just can’t trust a vampire.  Who knew?

In the comic Eden and Stella are still married and are Sheriff and Deputy respectively.  In the movie they are divorced and now Stella is a Fire Marshall who is in town to certify fire safety equipment and since she does not want to stay in Barrow for the long night she is trying to make sure she catches the last flight out-of-town.  As these things go she of course has a traffic accident, misses the plane and is now stuck in town for the next 30 days.  Then again we wouldn’t have a movie without this little plot twist now would we?

Any-stuck-in-the-fucking-frozen-wasteland-that-is-the-arctic the town starts to discover all sorts of strange events as night has settled in and the vampires are starting to play.  The local telecom office gets destroyed, the power station goes up in smoke and people on the edge of town start disappearing right in front of other people.  Ok, let me propose a scenario for you.  You find yourself leaving work at the pipeline with Two of your coworkers for a drunken night of debauchery (hey it is a long cold night) and as you stumble along talking about all of the naughty things you intend to do to your companions you suddenly hear a noise!  Gasp!  As you discuss whether or not you should investigate the sound (hint you shouldn’t) one of you suddenly disappears in front of your very eyes.

Poof, gone.  What would you do?

Would you do nothing?

Would you stand around like a moron wondering “Hey where did Bob go?”

Would you still investigate the sound anyway?

Would you run like hell?

Would you knowing that the town was about to be devastated by a vampire attack pour gasoline on yourself and go out in a blaze of glory roman candle style?

If you seriously considered the first Three options you would not survive a vampire attack and would probably be the First to die.  For those of you who chose the Fourth option I applaud your survival instincts but you are as good as dead anyway. Those who chose the Fifth option you should be applauded for your foresight in knowing that should your town be attacked by vampires you are basically fucked and might as well make as dramatic an exit as possible.

So, the vampires are gang raping the town and a handful of survivors find themselves hiding in an attic of a house that has been closed up for the winter. Here we have the first place that made me scratch my head in wonder.  The owner went South for the winter.  What are they going to do for food? I mean if I was leaving town for a season I wouldn’t leave the freezer stocked with food (not that the town has any power to begin with).  Also, what are they going to do if they need to use a toilet?  Ten people stuck in an attic trying to avoid vampires that are going house to house aren’t exactly going to go downstairs every time they need to take a shit.  Not to mention the fact that the entire house doesn’t have any heat.  Come to think of it, water is going to be an issue as well since it is fucking Alaska in the middle of winter and they are Three miles from the MOTHERFUCKING ARCTIC CIRCLE… but I digress.

Eventually the survivors decide they need to leave their hidey hole and wait for a whiteout to make their way to the general store to score some food and supplies.  They also decide to that they need to make their way to the only building that has power located on the edge of town.  A somewhat fortress like building called the Utiladoor.  This is yet another place where the movie and the comic diverge.  Right around the time the survivors are considering their options in the comic a helicopter flies to the town and records the vampire attack from the air (this does not happen in the movie).  By this time the older vampires have made their way to Barrow to clean up the mess and to also teach an important lesson to the younger vampires.  Which is that you have to follow the rules.  The vampire leader rips the younger vampire a new one (literally) and decides that the town needs to be destroyed to cover up the evidence before the sun was due to make another appearance.  After teaching the lesson and because vampires are total badasses they manage to damage the chopper and cause it to crash.

Now you might be wondering as to why I am mentioning some of the key differences between the movie and the comic.  Well, I feel the need to do so because in the comic these little differences make the story interesting and give it a sense of continuity.  In the movie you never really understand the motivation of the vampires to even go to Barrow, seriously it is never really explained why they were even there.

In the movie the vampires eventually get bored and decide to break into the pipe line and let the town fill with crude oil to cover up the massacre.  This isn’t a terrible idea however I do need to point out that crude oil will not catch fire by lighting a match and tossing it.  It actually takes quite a bit of work to get crude oil to burn.  Now I hear you cry “But what about oil rig fires huh?  Those fuckers go up in flames at the drop of a hat”.  Well I do need to point out that in almost all of those cases the rig exploded because of uncontrolled natural gas being exposed to an ignition source.  Once the crude reaches the critical temperature do to the heat and flames it will start burning and once it starts it is very hard to put out.

Well hollywood being hollywood the vampire lights a match and tosses it in and the oil of course catches fire and the town starts to burn.  The Sheriff gets an idea and decides to infect himself with the blood of a vampire he had recently decapitated. His plan is to go and challenge the leader of the vampires to a fight so that the others can get out-of-town safely and wait for the sun to reappear.  Eben eventually manages to defeat the leader and the other vampires scatter into the snowy wastes. After a heartwarming reunion with Stella they both go and decide to watch the sunrise one last time (literally for Eben).

And the credits roll…

This movie manages to take an interesting story about survival and sucks all the life out of it (hah a vampire joke get it?) and turns a good story into a rather boring facsimile of itself.  Now for todays lesson:  When faced with an onslaught of your town during the long Night by rampaging vampires you should suit up suicide bomber style and take a few of the motherfuckers with you.

The Mushroom Printing of Molly Hartley

About Two years ago I met up with some tormentors friends and we decided to go to the movies on Halloween Night.  We had a little trouble deciding what movie to see and we ended up seeing Max Payne; which is a movie that caused a massive stroke from which I am still recovering.  However the other movie that was being considered was The Haunting of Molly Hartley which I happened to catch on cable last weekend.  In retrospect Haunting may have been a better choice but it was still a pretty horrible movie.

Now this particular flick has a very loose grasp of time, kind of like how a person in the middle of a psychotic break has a loose grasp of reality.  It is incredibly easy to assume that the entire movie happens in a Three day time span instead of the handful of weeks that actually pass.  The movie opens with a teenage girl (not Molly) who is following rope with creepy post-it notes on it.  Along the lines of “A little further” and “A Surprise is Waiting (my cock)“.

She eventually makes her way to a creepy run-down shack where she is surprised by her boyfriend who gives her a heart-shaped necklace.  As they make kissy noises the girl’s father busts in and breaks up the love fest.  The father snatches her away and forces her into his truck where he proceeds to ramble about how she is shortly going to be 18 and that the darkness is coming to get her and that he can’t allow that etc etc etc and then drives his pickup through a red light and gets t-boned by a semi.

Daddy and daughter are dead and we fade to black.

We come back to the movie and Molly (Haley Bennett) is getting ready for school.  Dad (Jake Weber) asks if she is excited to start at a new school and Molly gives a non-committal answer (teenagers gotta love’em).  We then find out that Molly and Dad have moved from Boston to start afresh and we also discover that Molly has a crazy mother.  Not the typical crazy mother everyone on the planet has (Love you Mom!) but a truly bat-shit, drool on yourself crazy mother.  In fact we discover that they moved away from Boston after Mom tried to save Molly by stabbing her in the chest.  And now we enter the land of Irony, we soon find out that by moving away from Boston they have moved closer to the mental hospital where Mom is currently residing.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, can we say fore-shadowing?  I think we can!  Come one sound it out Four-shad-oh-ing.

Anyone that didn’t see Molly’s Mom making an appearance in this movie please raise your hands.  Ok, I am going to need those of you who raised their hands to walk over to the wall over there, close your eyes and start banging your head against the wall until you have learned your lesson.

Molly heads off to school at Huntington Prep and where we discover that she is a 4.0 student and that she has an appointment with the school shrink during 6th period.  Her first class is comparative literature where they are making their way through…

Anyone?

Anyone?

That’s right Paradise Lost!  Give yourself a gold star.

We also meet Molly’s first friend at Huntington Alexis (Shanna Collins) who also happens to be the lone Christian in a sea of heathens and on their way to class she asks Molly if she has been saved.  (Insert sound of squealing tires) Whoa!  Wait a minute, your first question to someone whom you have never met before is “Have you been saved?”  Really?  How about trying one of these other uncomfortable ice-breakers instead:

  • “Have you ever been  gang raped by Presbyterians?”
  • “Axe murder anyone today?”
  • “Don’t you hate it when you catch a shot of semen in the eye?”
  • “Ever been tag-teamed by midgets?”

Molly is of course non-committal and in to class they go where she sees Joseph aka the Love Interest (Chace Crawford).  Joseph has a big smile for Molly and predictably upsets his current girlfriend Suzie (AnnaLynne McCord).  Class moves along and we fast forward to lunch where Molly is in line with the Missionary (aka Alexis) and we see some cool kids chuckling at the duo Alexis says “Don’t worry they’re laughing at me.  Because of my close personal relationship with Jesus.”  At this point I began to wonder how close a personal relationship with Jesus she has.  I mean is a just friends thing?  Or maybe she wants to but Jesus really wants to wait or maybe she just has a crucifix shaped dildo in her bedside drawer.

6th period rolls around and Molly flounces off to see the shrink where we discover that Molly’s Mom tried to kill her in a bathroom and how this has horribly fucked up Molly.  On her way out of the office she sees Leah (Shannon Woodard) more on her later lazing on the couch.  The rest of the day goes smoothly and we find Molly walking home and we see Joseph roll up in his truck and offer her a ride on his cock.  She politely declines stating that she thinks Suzie wouldn’t approve of this course of action.  Molly gets home has a flashback/freak out and goes to bed.

The next day rolls around and we find Molly back in Comp. Lit. and the teacher who feels his students are retards is handing out bibles to the class because he feels they are retards that the students do not have enough of a background to truly understand Paradise Lost.  Alexis of course objects to the fact that the teacher is calling the Bible a piece of literature.  Molly takes her copy and copious amounts of blood starts gushing from her nose and down her face.  She gets rushed off to the bathroom where she has yet another freak out and Alexis eventually brings her a new shirt.  Molly goes home, has another psychotic episode in the bathroom, calls out for her father and then faints.

Back at school Molly runs into Joseph who invites her to a party at his parents place and he writes the access code on her hand.  Leah catches up with Molly at lunch and says that she will be happy to drive her to the party.  Night falls, Molly meets up with Leah and off they go and this is where we find out that Leah has issues with anger and this is why she has to see the shrink.  After a few minutes of wheedling Molly reveals that her mother tried to kill her and the conversation grinds to a predictable halt.

They get into the party, Joseph steers Molly away from Leah and we discover that he is rich, his parents are in Argentina and he has recently broken up with Suzie.  He gets called away for a burrito emergency and Molly wanders off and runs into Suzie.  OH NOES!?! We have the usual Mexican standoff, Suzie eventually tries to grab Molly who ends up breaking her wrist with a rather audible crack.  Molly freaks out tracks down Leah says she wants to leave and Leah basically tells her to fuck off.

So our heroine walks off all alone and tries to call Dad to come and get her.  Eventually she manages to call him tells him to come and get her at a BBQ joint and while crossing the street she sees her Mom standing behind her.  More freak out, she collapses and…

She wakes up sometime later and we discover that she has a growth in her nasal sinus and that it needs to be removed.  The doctor blithely says that it would cause her to hear things that weren’t there, see things that weren’t there and to have massive nose bleeds all the while pointing to an x-ray.  (Insert the sound of more squealing brakes) Sorry?  You diagnosed a growth in the nasal sinus from an x-ray?  Really?  Cause I am fairly certain the rest of the medical world would need at least a CAT scan or an MRI to do that.  Anyway… she has the operation and is cured.

She gets a visit from the Jesus freak who once again asks if she has been saved.  Alexis then goes on to talk about how her grandmother works at a hospital.  Molly returns to school and we see poor little Suzie with her arm in a sling slink away.  The rest of her day goes uneventfully and Molly makes her way home.  She calls Dad to tell him she is home and makes her way upstairs where she anyone? Anyone?

That’s right runs into Mom who begins to babble incoherently about how Molly is almost 18 and that she and her father had no choice but to make the deal with the Darkness.  That Molly had been still-born on the bathroom floor of a fast-food joint (auspicious sign that that is) and how a lady stepped out and offered them a deal to let Molly live.  Mom of course once again says that she needs to save Molly that a nice nurse who totally bought her bat-shit crazy story lets her out (to save Molly) goes for the killing stroke and Molly hurls her off the 2nd floor landing to a nasty death below.

Dad arrives home (with the police) Moms carcass is hauled off and Dad confirms that a religious nut did show up during the bathroom birth (insert flashback), that he thinks the woman was crazy and that he loves his daughter.  Molly brains dad (hey if you just offed one parent why not try for the whole set) with a Ming vase (which doesn’t break) and off she runs to…

Anyone?  Anyone?

The Jesus freak.  Molly begs to be saved, Alexis takes her into a church and brings her to a baptismal pool does the Jesus thing and then says to Molly “Remember my grandmother who works at the hospital?  Well she believed your Mother and she let her out to save you.  Now I have to save you…” and tries to drown Molly in the pool.  Molly eventually over powers Alexis, cracks her head (Alexis’s) against the wall and runs off.  For those keeping track at home this is 2 people who Molly has killed during the presentation of the movie.

As she runs outside she runs into Joseph who takes her back to his house so that they can run away together.  Cut to the Hartley homestead where Dad has been rudely awoken by a ringing doorbell.  He answers the door and sees Leah who happens to have a birthday present for Molly.  They both discover that neither of them knows where Molly is and Dad rushes out the door to begin his search.  Back to Molly who has now gotten very nervous since Joseph has been gone for about an hour.  She makes her way inside and eventually gets to a Solarium where she finds Joseph with a birthday cake.  Some conversation ensues and we discover that Joseph knows all about the darkness and that a special guest has been waiting for her.

Who is this special guest I hear you cry.  Well it is none other than the school shrink aka the religious nut job from the fast food joint (insert another flashback).  Molly gets freaked out grabs the knife (for the cutting of the cake) says she doesn’t want all the power she is promised and stabs herself in the chest.  At this point we get a real taste of the poor quality of the movie as we hear, actually hear the spring in the fake knife being compressed.  Additionally we can see that Molly has sunk the knife up to the handle in her chest and when we see it again only the tip of the knife has some goop on it.

Cut to graduation day and we see that Molly is Valedictorian says something about the future being bright and slinks off to a limo.

Roll the credits.

Schrödinger’s Repo Men

Internet, Internet, Internet… is it really too much to ask for a movie that makes sense?  I am starting to think that it might be.  It could be that I have become too jaded because of the plethora of trash that has been released so far this year.  Honestly, am I too jaded Internet?  You can be honest with me.

After acquiring some much-needed sleep I found myself thinking about seeing a movie.  Let me tell you the pickings were slim, very slim.  After reading a somewhat favorable review from a friend I found myself purchasing a ticket for Repo Men.  I will admit that I had a feeling of dread going into the theater itself.  I could feel what is left of my soul screaming at me to run for the hills and hide under something.  But “Damn the torpedoes!” I screamed at what was left of my soul and onward I recklessly plunged into the darkened theater.  The theater was actually dark by the way,  since it took for-fucking-ever to get my ticket, popcorn and beverage.  The trailers were almost finished when I finally made it to my seat.

The movie opens with Remy (Jude Law) typing up a memoir of sorts and he is talking about how he once read about a cat that someone named Schrödinger once owned.  That he put this cat in a box with a machine that randomly dispenses poison into the box thus killing the cat.  Now Remy isn’t that bright and he believes that Schrödinger actually killed his cat (Schrödinger’s not Remys).  As I was watching this happen I could feel the valiant last-ditch effort of my soul desperately pleading with my mind to get up and leave the theater.  But I said to my soul “shut the hell up I am trying to watch a fucking movie here” that sometimes movies start a little roughly but get better as they go.

Sadly Internet this was not the case.  Repo Men really wanted to be philosophical.  It desperately wanted to be philosophical, in fact I would go so far as to say that it was enthusiastically dry-humping the leg of philosophy while manually pleasuring Existentialism (and yes I am perfectly aware that Existentialism is a philosophy don’t ruin my fucking metaphors).  But it wasn’t philosophical, like any situation where someone is dry-humping your leg the humper isn’t totally satisfied and the humpee now has a dry cleaning bill.

Now the movie is set in the future, we aren’t given a hint as to how far in the future it is taking place but it is the future.  From the opening scene you would think it was a dystopian future as our intrepid hero is sitting in a post Cherynobalesque room pounding away at a pristine manual typewriter (more on that later).  But you would be wrong Internet it wasn’t a dystopian future, it was just a shit-hole (guess the future wasn’t as advanced as I hoped) enter the flashback.

Before getting into the meat of the flashback let me explain a bit about the future.  From the opening of this movie one would assume that the world was post-apocalyptic well maybe not totally post-apocalyptic more like the next door neighbor to post-apocalyptic.  You know the one whose yard is over-grown with weeds and the house that is falling apart because of neglect.  The kind of neighbor you wouldn’t loan something too because you know you would never see that item ever again.  However you would be wrong, because the future is bright and shiny which we discover during the flashback.  The future is so bright (unfortunately there are no shades) that now any part of your body that is broken, discolored, missing, backwards, partially extra-dimensional or just kind of ugly can be replaced.

(cue the announcer)

“Is your gall bladder an unflattering shade?”

“Do your ovaries travel through time because of relativistic blue shifting?”

“No problem!  We can replace them with a new one in any of a 1,000 colors for only 1,956.326,657,945,127,586 payments of $20,000!  Act now…”

Our intrepid hero works for The Union and yes he is a repo man.  Now I can hear your next question “What if I can’t pay for my shiny new heart and he comes to collect, how does he not kill me?”  Well dear Internet he does kill you.  Cuts you open, yanks it out and then takes a few moments to wash it off in your sink.  This was one of the first things that made be go “hmm…” at first I thought ok, maybe the corporations have taken over everything but no this is not the case as there is still a Federal government.  Then I thought “well maybe they worked a deal where the Union men are allowed to rip out your replacement organs willy-nilly” but I soon found out that this was not the case as our hero gets yelled at by his boss because he walks through the sales floor with half-a-dozen repo’d livers.  The bosses argument being that if you scare them they will pay for the replacements up front instead of financing them.  Additionally we also see our hero (later on in the movie) yelling at his son to stop video taping our hero’s best buddy removing a kidney in the front yard.

This also bring me to another point.  Apparently in a future where a liver, heart or any other internal organ can be replaced with an artificial one the I-Phone is still the pinnacle of cellphone technology.  Oh and one last sticking point for me… the future is so advanced that they can replace a liver (one of the most complicated organs in the human body) with an artificial one which works perfectly but you still have to sign a paper contract?  Really?  Paper?  Seriously?  And the repo jobs are handed out as paper assignments… um… Ok let me get this straight.  You have a gadget that allows you to scan anyone you want for fake organs and it will tell you instantly if they are past-due on say their right lung.  But the boss hands you job sheets on actual paper?  Hmm, nope.  Sorry I ain’t buyin’ it.

Ok so where was I?  Oh right Remy banging away on a type-writer, cue the flashback.  Now we see a lovely couple making their way into their apartment for some sexy time.  She is slowly pulling down lover boys pants and what is this?  Someone is in the apartment!  Oh NOES!  Remy stands up and tells lover boy that he is from the Union and that lover boy is past due on his liver.  Lover boy stammers that he can pay, Remy says “That isn’t my department.” and then tasers lover boy.  Lover girl for some reason thinks that Remy is going to ravish her (which he isn’t) she then tries to hit Remy with a lamp and Remy ends up tasering her as well.  Why he didn’t do that to start with escapes me but moving on… Remy advises lover boy that he is legally required to ask him if he wants an ambulance standing by and then slices him open.

We then find out that Remys good buddy Jake (Forrest Whitaker) used to beat him up in grade school and then they joined the Army together.  They are both now repo men and apparently they are really good at their jobs.  While stopped at a stop light Jake points to a fat guy standing on a busy street corner and bets $20 that the guy is past due.  Remy accepts the bet and they scan him and discover that he has 2 days left to pay.  Then Remy rolls down the window and makes a derogatory comment to the guy who ends up running off into the crowd (remember this event for later).

They continue cruising down the street eventually ending up near the dock yards.  While discussing life and how good it is for them they scan a ship in the harbor and the past due gadget goes haywire.  Apparently there are 500 past due replacements on board the ship and our heroes strap up and get to work.  After murdering a ship full of debtors and reclaiming the past due items they return to the office to get paid.  While the boss (Liev Schreiber) is counting them out he recommends to the pair that they should stop working the pink slips and go freelance looking for nests of debtors instead.  Now we hit the conundrum (dun-dunt-dun) it turns out that Remys wife does not like his job and has been trying to get him to switch to Sales but Jake has been trying to get him to stay in Repo.

Conflict! Oh fate you are so unkind what a cruel choice to force on someone…

What will Remy do?

Will he take the path of domestic bliss and safety or will he pursue the dangerous job of Repo and keep Jake happy?

Tune in tomorrow to find out!

While Remy is making that decision we cut to a wholesome family and friends Bar-B-Que.  We are at Remys house and apparently he does not serve buns with his hotdogs… hmm that is a little odd dontcha think?  Jake gets a call from a cabby who has a debtor for a fare, and Jake asks Remy if it is cool that he does a quick job before coming back to the party.  Remy reluctantly agrees and Jake runs out front to do a quick kidney retrieval.  While this is happening Remys wife gets suspicious (remember she doesn’t like his Repo work) and she walks out into the front yard and sees Jake carving up some poor schlub in the back of a taxi.  She understandably gets upset and storms back into the house, Remys son curious as to why his mother is upset walks out front and then starts taping Jake doing his thing.  Remy intervenes, erases the video and sends his son back inside.

After the party is over Remys wife has packed her shit and is leaving the house with son in tow.  Remy pleads with her to stay, she gives him the ultimatum to either move to Sales or lose his wife and kid.  So Remy does the logical thing and goes drinking with Jake.  Jake is desperately trying to convince Remy to stay in Repo and while Remy is making googly eyes at the blues singer (Beth played by Alice Braga she will be important shortly) he convinces Remy to do one last job before making his decision.  The fateful last job (dun-dunt-dunnnnnn).

Remy goes to collect the heart of a recording artist, a black recording artist who has hit bad times (oooh a cliché how exciting!).  The artist is not surprised to see Remy and asks him if he is from the IRS.  Remy tells him that he is from the Union and he is here for his heart.  The artist asks if he can finish the song he is working on, Remy agrees and then gushes out that he is actually a big fan of the Artist and loves his music.  This brings a smile from the Artist who asks Remy if he wants to help mix the track and then does a line of drugs (woohoo more cliché).  The track gets finished and Remy gets down to business, he has the Artist lay down on the floor and breaks out his defibrillator.  After promising to deliver the completed song Remy gives him the juice.  But OH NOES!?! the defibrillator malfunctions and Remy is thrown across the room.

Cut to black.

We next find Remy waking up in a hospital surrounded by his Boss and Jake.  While chatting Remy discovers that his own heart has been replaced apparently the malfunctioning defibrillator has somehow scarred Remys heart so badly it is a mass of scar tissue.  Remy heads home a few days later only to discover that his wife has changed the locks, she basically tells him to fuck off and he slouched off to Jake’s apartment.  A few days pass and Remy goes out on a job to reclaim a kidney, he tasers the guy and as he gets ready to slice and dice he finds his hand shaking and he just can’t bring himself to cut the guy open.

Hmm, what?  You openly mock people who are not quite past due.  You have killed thousands of people by reclaiming their artificial organs and now you can’t cut open some poor schmuck for a kidney?  Really?  Did they give you an artificial conscience while they were digging around in your chest?  How much did that fucker cost?

Remy lies to Jake about the job saying that it went fine.  Remy takes a stab at doing Sales and is of course an absolute failure at it.  Past due notices start to pile up on Remys heart and he makes a few jokes with Jake about who the Boss would send after him.  A few weeks later Jake confronts Remy and says that the Boss claims that Remy never turned in the kidney and Jake thinks he didn’t do the job.  Jake grabs Remy and off they go to a bombed out tenement/camp (possibly to prove Remys manhood) and he proceeds to taser random people and then scans them for overdue organs.  He finds a few and then screams at Remy that they aren’t going to leave until Remy claims a few organs.  Jake runs off to find more targets and Remy sits there incisively.  He sits there so long that some runs up and brains him with a rock and down Remy goes into unconsciousness.

Remy wakes up a short time later and discovers Beth lying in a pool of her own filth.  He picks her up and takes her to a hotel where he cleans her up and dries her out (oooh another cliché a blues singer with a drug problem shocking).  While she sleeps he scans her and discovers that most of her is artificial and she is past due on everything and in fact Remy is close to passing the point of no repayment himself.  Remy makes his way into the office and goes into the back room where they scan in reclaimed parts.  He scratches off the bar code for a kidney and starts to manually enter the serial numbers of Beth’s past due organs.  While he is checking her out of the system Jake walks in and confronts Remy.  There is a scuffle and Remy runs off.

Remy and Beth pack up their stuff and flee from the hotel to the post Cherynobalesque building we saw him in at the beginning of the film.  While this is happening the Boss is handing out repo notices and tries to get Remys to Jake who refuses to take it and the job ends up going to a Repo who was on suspension for violent behavior.  In the mean time Remy and Beth are “shopping” (read dumpster diving) for their new squat.  As Beth picks over a particular pile she finds a pristine manual typewriter in its original case and she gives it to Remy as a present.  Remy then proceeds to write his memoirs on the backs of paper forms he found in the rubble while having rather dull sex with Beth in their hovel.

Then one fine morning while children are playing out front Beth hears someone coming for them.  OH NOES! It is the Repo Man, he has found their little love nest.  They manage to ambush him with the worlds oldest trap (a tarp covering a hole in the floor).  While enjoying the post-ambush glow the floor gives out and Beth tumbles down to the floor below damaging her replacement knee.  Fearing that they would be found again they decide to try to hop a plane out of the country but Remy insists that they make a stop first.  They head to the Union office and Remy beats up a replacement lung mascot and takes his costume.  He makes his way into the Boss’s office and in no uncertain terms tells the Boss that he (Remy) will kill any Repo that is sent after him.  The Boss reveals that because of Remys previous attempt to take himself and Beth out of the system all reclaimed replacements have to go back to the corporate office.  Remy then tasers the Boss and leaves.  As satisfying as that particular scene is (I mean who doesn’t love an asshole getting his just desserts) this is not Remys primary goal.  In fact what he is really after is a pair of scan jammers that were taken off some debtors earlier in the movie.  With his newly acquired jammers he makes his way to the airport along with Beth who has managed to bandage up her knee the best way she can (i.e. she wraps the bleeding wound with a scarf).

Here is where things start to go totally off the rails for me.  The airport is in cahoots with the Union and has scanners that check for past due replacements.  Now if I were running an airline/airport I would tell the Union to suck it and I would actively advertise flights for debtors to get the hell out of the country.  Seriously think about the profit margins you would get from people trying to flee for their very lives.  Anyway, they two fugitives make it through the scanners but one of the guards notices the blood running down Beth’s leg and insists that she cannot board a flight without having her leg looked at first.  The guards whisk them off to a security office and while they are walking along Remy manages to ditch the scan blockers.  They get to the office, it is discovered that Remy and Beth are fleeing the country and a fight starts in a tiny office.  Our heroes manage to take out the guards and flee the scene but not before coming face to face with Jake who is on the wrong side of security glass.  Some significant looks are traded (dripping with all sorts of emotion) and the heroes flee the airport.

Beth insists that they get her knee replaced before they continue fleeing the country so they head off to a black market surgeon for a replacement.  Coincidentally as they are leaving the surgeon the building is raided by Repo Men looking for a nest of debtors.  Jake and Remy have the “big fight” where it is revealed that Jake intentionally sabotaged Remy’s defibrillator so that Remy would have to get a replacement heart and keep working as a Repo Man (to pay off the heart) and then Jake  smashes Remy in the face with a multi-ton crane hook.  Remy, bloodied gets up manages to taser Jake and he and Beth flee into the basement running from the other Repo Men.  They end up in a dead-end and while questioning where in the hell the other debtors went to, the wall goes up and they get yanked in.  Remy is thrown up against the wall and a tough looking woman puts a unsilenced revolver to his head and tells him to give her one good reason he shouldn’t die.

At this point I had a full body seizure.  Seriously, it was reminiscent of a grand mal seizure mixed with a Tourettes outburst.  The building is being raided and you threaten to give away your hiding spot by firing a UNSILENCED gun into the head of someone you just rescued.  Really?  REALLY?

Anyway, Remy lifts up his shirt to reveal his surgery scar and he is allowed to live.  Remy and Beth then hatch the idea that if they break into the corporate offices they can close all of the files so that no one owes.  They kidnap the Boss and after questioning him they find out they have to find the pink door.  After breaking into the building they make their way through the building and end up in a clean room filled with technicians servicing replacement parts.  The room is filled with people in clean suits FILLED with people in clean suits.  Guess what happens, go ahead take a guess.  Ok ready?  NO ONE DOES ANYTHING.  They all look up and go right back to work.

At this point I think either a vein/artery burst in my brain or I simply stroked out.  Still not entirely sure which happened.

Beth and Remy make it to the Pink Door, ok I am sorry but at this point I started to giggle uncontrollably I could not help but think of this.  Anyway, there is a big fight scene where Remy and Beth take out a dozen Repo Men.  Our heroes desperately try to think of a way to get past the pink door when Remy remembers that Beth’s eyes are replacements so they scan her eyes and as the door opens the Boss and Jake come out of the elevator in a rush they (Remy and Beth)  go behind the pink door.  Only to discover that there are no keyboards in the room only scanners.  [insert gasp of surprise] What are our heroes going to do?  Well apparently have a pseudo-sexual encounter as they cut each other open and scan their replacement parts back into the system.  Ok, sorry nope not buying it.  If you have a replacement heart and someone cuts you open and jams a full size scanner into your body cavity to scan the bar code on your replacement heart you are not going to do several things:

  1. Enjoy the experience
  2. Successfully scan the damn thing (pesky internal organs)
  3. Live through the experience, at all.

Jake and Boss eventually make it into the room and discover that Remy and Beth are no longer in system.  The Boss starts to throw a kniption and Jake shoots him in the face.  Our heroes (+ Jake) make their way to the tropics and live happily ever after off the proceeds of the memoirs Remy wrote about his time as a Repo Man.

The End.

Or is it? Mwuahahahahahahahahaha!

Ok the surprise ending was not a surprise.  Sorry folks but we have the ultimate in cliché endings.  As it turns out the blow to the head from the crane hook has damaged Remy’s brain so that he is now in a permanent coma.  Remy is now hooked up to a virtual world (thanks to Jake) living a happy internal life.  Jake ends up using all of the reclaimed parts from Beth to pay off Remy’s outstanding balance on his heart and happy new world.

Cop Out with your cock out

I was desperately in need of a comedy this last weekend and so I decided to give Cop Out a chance.  Going into it I knew it wouldn’t be a great movie I mean it totally has “I suck” written all over it but I was OK with that because I had hope that it would be stupid funny.  Boy was I in for a surprise, not only was it stupid (and it sucked) but the entire movie didn’t make a lick of sense.

It desperately wanted to be a wacky buddy cop movie, it really really wanted to be a wacky buddy cop movie so desperately that I could imagine it offering $5 hand-jobs to every passerby.  The writers either have the worst case of AADHD known to humankind or they discovered the joys of methamphetamines (possibly both) while writing the script.  At its core the movie is about Two detectives that are trying to catch a drug kingpin, however with all the other crap that got hung onto it this story gets tragically lost.

This flick opens with the dynamic duo having a fight about which partner gets to interrogate “the prisoner” who is at best a lackey.  Tracey Morgan wins the argument and then rushes into the interrogation room with his gun drawn with a parting comment from Bruce Willis about how all of his (Morgans) lines are from bad cop movies.  Morgan busts into the room with our lackey hand-cuffed to the desk who reacts in a surprised manner.  I mean who wouldn’t?  Really, if you ever happen to find yourself hand-cuffed to a table in a police station and someone comes busting in with a gun you would be a little surprised too.  This is where things get a little puzzling.  Morgan proceeds to try and convince the lackey that he (Morgan) a Black man just broke into a police station (with a gun) and made his way to this particular interrogation room without being shot oh I don’t at least a Hundred times.  My first question outside of “What the fuck?” was didn’t you (Morgan) and Willis just arrest this guy for trying to distribute drugs?  I mean if I had just been busted for smuggling smack in my ass I would remember the cops that arrested me.

Morgan then proceeds to use cheesy lines from every movie ever made and Willis who is watching from behind the other side of the One-way mirror rattles off the name of each movie that Morgan has stolen lines from.  At one point during this farce the viewing room is filled with cops all laughing at how ridiculous the situation is.  Eventually Morgan extracts the necessary information (to move the plot along no doubt) and it is revealed that the lackey is supposed to get a delivery today at his store.  Cut to a cheap cellphone store with Morgan standing out front wearing a really bad cellphone outfit.  The delivery boy shows up, Morgan of course misses the confirmation signal (that the drugs are there) and the lackey is forced to make the signal again (which Morgan finally sees) and tips off the delivery boy who proceeds to shoot the lackey in the face which except for the movie ending is the best part of the movie.

Insert mandatory chase scene where the delivery boy escapes from the “good guys” leading to Morgan and Willis getting chewed out by their Captain (shocking!?!) who unsurprisingly takes away their guns and badges and suspends them without pay for a month because of their screw-ball antics.  This of course leads us to our stressor for Mr. Willis.  His daughter is getting married and of course he has agreed to pay for the wedding and he desperately needs a paycheck to cover expenses.  The Captain of course gives not a shit for his plight and basically tells him to go pound salt.  Insert chew out number 2 as another squad comes over to give our heroes a hard time about how they totally fucked up months of investigation into gang activity blah-blah-blah and that they suck.

Willis is then forced to sell a treasured baseball card to cover the wedding expenses.  Off they go to retrieve the card and on the way to the local sports memorabilia shop they have a nice heart-to-heart about how Bruce came to own this card and that it was worth oodles and oodles of cash.  Despondent over the fact that he no longer has a gun Bruce is over-joyed when Morgan pulls out a small arsenal stored in his glove box.  Happy again Bruce marches into the memorabilia shop and Morgan calls his wife (Morgans not Willis’s) since he is convinced that she is cheating on him with the next door neighbor thus distracting him from the coming action.

Shockingly the store is robbed and Bruce gets tasered, the robbers take his precious baseball card and his gun as well as a few other items from the store.  Now I accept the fact that I am not a criminal mastermind but robbing a sports memorabilia shop does not seem like a lucrative thing to do.  The fraud rate in sports memorabilia is ridiculously high and baseball junk is kind of a specialized hobby/obsession and robbing this place seems like it would lead to a lot of work for a couple of stoners.  The robbery is of course called in and Morgan and Willis are interviewed by the pair of detectives that called them a couple of dick-brains earlier that day.  Willis lies about any identifying marks (in this case a tattoo) and they are now free to go.

Morgan is able to track down the tattoo artist that did the work on the robber and he is able to tell them exactly where to go to find him doing his next crime.  Which apparently is to break into someones house using parkour and take (or more to the point leave) a shit.  The homeowner shows up (predictably) and after some shouting back and forth the heroes finally make their way into the house and after a short and totally predictable scuffle they now have a prisoner.

After some completely inane dialogue between the Three our heroes finally find out that the card and the gun were traded to a drug dealer named Poh Boy.  Now Poh Boy is the same dealer that our heroes have been looking for since the beginning of the movie and he has been a very busy boy.  He was expecting an important delivery, a very special luxury car and he assigned Two of his less than intelligent minions to drive it up from somewhere out-of-state.  Of course our moronic minions screw it up and the car gets stolen and poor Poh Boy is forced to kill his minions and puts out a bounty on the car.

Willis and Morgan then make their way to Poh Boys place only to discover that he is a dyed in the wool baseball fan, I would even go so far as to say that he is obsessed about baseball there was baseball crap all over the fucking place.  They barge their way into Poh Boys abode and finally end up in his diamond vault (diamond get it?).  Negotiations ensue and Poh Boy tells Bruce that if he can return his missing car he can get his baseball card back.

While this is happening the other team of detectives has located the murdered minions (who oh so conveniently were murdered with Morgans gun) don’t forget the parkour shit bandit traded it to Poh Boy for drugs… While investigating the scene they locate the gun and eventually discover that it belongs to Morgan.  Someone is in trouuuuubbbbble.

Bruce and Morgan track down the biggest car thief in Brooklyn (who turns out to be 12) and after threatening to tell his mother about his extracurricular they get the address of the person who stole the car.  Eventually they discover that the car was sold to a Russian lawyer (natch).  Bruce breaks into the house pretending to be a thief with Morgan a few moments behind him pretending to be a cop.  Some how they convince the lawyer to allow Bruce to take Morgan as a hostage and allow them to drive away in Poh Boys car.

A chase scene ensues because Poh Boy didn’t trust the coppers and after driving into a cemetery the bad guys chasing our heroes crash into an open grave and Poh Boys brother gets ejected through the windshield and smashes head first into a grave stone.  Our heroes drive away safely and now they are curious about the car and why it is so popular.  They soon discover that the trunk holds a woman.

The rescued woman only speaks spanish and apparently neither of our NYPD detectives can understand her.  They then take her to a Mexican restaurant where it is discovered that she has important information about a drug cartel, and it turns out she has important financial data that Poh Boy is desperately trying to get his hands on.  They stash her in a hotel so that they can hand her over to the FBI the next day.  Since the original plan has been blown to bits (obviously our heroes are not going to turn the girl or the data over to Poh Boy) Bruce decides to post bail for the parkour shit bandit and then convince him to break into Poh Boys place to steal back the baseball card while Poh Boy is out at his brothers funeral.

While Bruce is bailing out the shit bandit Morgan is pouring his heart out to the girl about how he thinks that his wife is cheating on him (which she isn’t). Eventually she feels that staying with Morgan (since she already gave them the financial data) was to dangerous and she escapes from his custody.  She of course gets caught by Poh Boys boys and is imprisoned in Poh Boys basement to be tortured later.

The bandit starts doing his thing and as he is making his way up the side of the house he slips and falls and hits his head on the stone wall surrounding Poh Boys house and is of course now dead.  After storing the dead body in the back of their car Bruce then makes his way into Poh Boys house.  Unsurprisingly Poh Boy comes home early and catches Bruce in the act.  The mandatory gun fight occurs and while the baddies are chasing Bruce through the house the other detectives show up.  Morgan eventually makes his way into the house and a whole lot of baddies get dead.

They catch up to PohBoy who is now using the girl as a human shield.  She manages to free herself and Bruce and Morgan shoot Poh Boy.  Bruce of course hits him square in the head and Morgan gets a heart shot.  Which leads us to the problem of the baseball card, which Morgan has now put a hole through because of course Poh Boy had it stored in his breast pocket.

Their Captain shows up and thanks the both of them for assisting fellow officers with an investigation even though they were suspended without pay.  They get their shields and guns back and time moves forward to the day of the wedding.  It turns out his daughters step-father ponied up the cash for the wedding so the daughter gets the wedding she dreamed of and everyone is happy and the movie ends.

From Paris with…what?!?

Now I am a big fan of Luc Bessons work, with The Fifth Element and Leon the Professional being my Two top favorites.  So I was anticipating a good time to be had as I walked into my local theater and sadly we missed our exit and got stuck traveling all the way to Shitsville.  As we all know once you get on the road to Shitsville there ain’t no turning around.

One of the first things that struck me was that our hero (James) is apparently really smart as he is able to beat the American Ambassador to France at chess while working through email, scheduling meetings and making phone calls.

He is so smart S-M-R-T!

Not only is he the personal aide to the Ambassador he is also trying to become an International Man of Mystery since he gets mysterious phone calls to go and change license plates on cars in parking garages.  This is also where we discover that our hero longs for more action in his life as he gazes longingly at the cool kids who get into the car(s) a few minutes later.

As he heads home James gets another call that tells him that he will need to place a bug in an office the next day at a meeting and he discovers that he already has the bug on him (Qu’elle Surprise!).  During the meeting we discover that apparently bugs are usually placed using bubblegum, which actually fails to work for our hero (don’t forget he isn’t a real IMM yet) and he eventually resorts to stapling the bug under a desk after everyone has left (the old I forgot something ploy).  He gets an official pat on the head for another job well done heads home has dinner with his girlfriend (who proposes to him with her fathers ring, damn those French chicks are aggressive).  During their happy little moment James gets a call from the mysterious voice and is told that he will be assisting a real live IMM and that if he does a really good job he will become that which he longs for.

Enter John Travolta who is in need of rescue from those dastardly French Immigration officers.  So dastardly that they will not let him enter France with all of his special cans of energy drink.  After several minutes of witty banter our hero simply slaps a diplomatic mail sticker on the bag and off they go to apparently get Chinese food, and as they drive they have a witty conversation about how Egg Fu Yung was actually invented by a Jewish American… and we also discover that James studied Mandarin at College (he is so smart S-M-R-T).

But wait they are not really there for bad Chinese food, they are there to kill lots of people! Oh and apparently to score a metric ton of coke as well but more on that shortly.  After murdering all but one of the workers in the restaurant it is discovered that clever drug dealers hide their drugs in the ceiling… who knew?  Here I thought they might keep it in oh I don’t know something more easily accessible.  After shooting several holes in the ceiling they proceed to fill a Ming vase with several kilos of cocaine and then let the last guy go.

After some fancy driving they end up… behind the restaurant they just shot up… hmm… Ah they are waiting for the last Asian standing to run away so they can follow him (gosh they really are smart!).  They break into another building and proceed to kill yet more Asian people, actually lots of Asian people I would even go so far to say that it reached boat loads of dead Asian people (insert obligatory over population control joke).  Finally they get to the big boss and extract from  him the address of the people he buys his drugs from.

Off they go to find more people that need killing (with a brief stop to snort some of their metric ton of cocaine at the top of the Eiffel Tower) however along the way to their stakeout John also picks up a prostitute because the one thing you absolutely need for a stake out is a prostitute.  As they walk up the stairs James sees his fiancé coming down the stairs with an arm full of orange material and she doesn’t look happy to see him in the company of a ruffian and a prostitute (Oh boy!  He is going to get it now…).  They then rudely bust into an apartment that overlooks the address they want to surveille, John disappears into the bathroom with his French hooker and our hero is left to watch out the window with his Ming vase full of cocaine while he gets berated by his fiancé for being out all night.

Eventually the next set of bad guys appear and off they go.  But no our heroes do not follow they have a satellite do it this time, apparently John is a little tired from banging his French hooker.  They soon discover that the bad guys are in a ghetto and in they go to buy some drugs.  While waiting for their cocaine to arrive they get robbed by the dealers guards.  After the drugs arrive there is some discussion about how much cocaine is considered for personal use and how much will get you sent to jail and after some incredibly obvious prompts our hero finally dashes the Ming vase full of coke on the floor (bet you forgot about that didn’t you?) and all the little baddies scatter.

After reacquiring their worldly possessions they proceed upstairs to cause more mayhem where they discover that the drug importers are terrorists!  They kill yet more people and then make a joke that they have killed enough people to have killed just about as many people as there are hours in the day.  Then they head off to meet some mysterious people in trench coats where John gets handed a brown paper bag, filled with cheese burgers… Quarter pounders… Royales with Cheese!  Sigh.

Our hero then convinces him that they should go back to his apartment for dinner with our hero’s fiancé and her best friend instead of killing himself with junk food.  While dinner is being laid out John starts making conversation with the best friend and after insulting her several times he shoots her in the face.  Then proceeds to explain to our hero that his apartment has been bugged and that his fiancé and her friend were terrorists associated with the same group of baddies they killed earlier that day.  The fiancé escapes after shooting our hero in the shoulder and John chases her across several buildings (parkour style baby) but she eventually manages to escape and gets away in a green volvo.

The dynamic duo then deduce that the bad guys are after another American diplomat which results in the mandatory car chase of the dreaded green volvo.  Eventually it is discovered that the fiancé is not in the car and John eventually is able to blow it up using an anti-tank weapon.  While this is happening our hero remembers that his beloved makes her own clothes and realizes that she is going to be a suicide bomber at the embassy itself (Oh NOES!?!).

Off he rushes and of course she has used his ID to get into the embassy, apparently no one actually checks ID’s anymore tsk tsk tsk, but he makes it inside and finds his beloved with the vest full of explosives ready to blow herself up in the name of something… come to think of it we never do find out why she is willing to die.  Maybe she is willing to die for all the drug dealers (Asian and otherwise) that have died through the filming of this movie.  We have the mandatory heart-felt plea to his beloved to not kill herself that he loves her so and yada-yada-yada he eventually shoots her in the head.

The movie ends with our hero taking John to the airport so that he can fly off to wherever.  He hands John a bag full of cheese burgers (sniff sniff he cares!) and then they decided to play a game of chess.  John then warns our hero that he is a sore loser and puts his gun on the cart, but our hero (not to be out done) puts his even bigger gun on the cart! OH JOYOUS DAY, he made it he is an International Man of Mystery!

So what have we learned from this movie?

  1. Apparently there isn’t any good Chinese food in France.
  2. All the Chinese people in France are drug dealers and they hide their drug stash in the ceiling.
  3. French hookers are totally worth picking up before going to a stake out.

Legionary Position

Apparently cleanliness is not next to godliness.  It seems that tattoos are, in fact next to godliness, GØd appears to be into the freaky stuff.  Now I will admit that I do like movies that leave you filling in a few blanks however when a movie just pretends that back story is completely unnecessary we really are in for some trouble.

Our film opens with Michael (angel, archangel) landing in an alley where he proceeds to cut off his wings.  Apparently Michael was a bad bad boy but more on that later and is covered in tattoos.  Then he breaks into a toy factory and steals quite an arsenal of weapons because hey if you need enough weapons to outfit a small army break into a toy factory.  Then we cut to a pair of cops driving a patrol through the streets and the cop riding shotgun is pontificating that the homeless need to be burned from the streets so that the city can start over.  Now I am certainly all for cleansing Los Angles with fire (preferably the nuclear variety) but come on how cliché is it to have cops cruising around pointing a finger gun at people and shooting?

Now while the cops are cruising past Michael (angel, archangel) feels the need to make a dramatic and religious entrance or more appropriately exit onto the street.  The door to the street has a bar across it and I will admit it was a very daunting bar but I am fairly certain that with the proper application of an upwards pressure the bar would have been easily moved.  However no, this is not enough apparently Michael needs to blow the door open and even manages to make it crucifix shaped.

Predictably the po-po (that would be police for our white readers) felt this an act worthy of inspection.  As Michael (angel, archangel) leaves the weapons cache the po-po feel the need to jack his shit up.  I mean come on, can’t a tall well dressed white guy blast his way out of a toy factory/weapons emporium with Two honkingly huge duffel bags filled with guns and ammo at midnight in the middle of the ghetto without the po-po totally profiling him?  So as the cops are totally performing an illegal search (I mean it was a smallish explosion no one was hurt Jeez) the cop who was riding shotgun has a minor seizure and radical dental growth.

He proceeds to call Michael several nasty names and basically delivers the message that GØd says he can suck it.  Normally I would feel that being told to suck it by the almighty is quite an honor but you get the distinct impression that GØd probably wouldn’t stop to piss on Michael if he were on fire.  Michael then proceeds to demonstrate how much of a badass he is by killing both cops and then steals their car.  GTA baby, G.T.A.

Cut to the middle of fucking nowhere Arizona where our heroine has woken from a bad dream (alas poor Charlie you ARE in fact in a shitty movie).  Now our heroine is preggers, really amazingly preggers (Eight months or so) and a waitress working at the diner at the end of the universe.  Enter our human hero Jeep, yes Jeep I wish I were kidding… who is concerned that Charlie has awoken with a fright and has the need to calm her poor shattered nerves.

Fast-forward several hours.  In our diner in the middle of fucking nowhere we have a nice yuppie family who are having some trouble with their beemer and Jeep (you remember him don’t you dear readers?) is supposed to be fixing it.  Instead he is dusting off an infant crib and his father comes out to be all paternal and motivate his son into actually doing his job.  While this is happening enter in our next character who just happens to be yet another cliché is a black man driving a large black SUV.  He of course stops in at the diner because his cellphone has no reception and desperately needs to make a phone call.  He is of course allowed to make his call with the diner phone in the back office.

Enter the crazy old lady.  We later find out that the weak-willed are now being controlled by angels which still doesn’t really explain the teeth but I digress.  The old lady orders a rare steak so rare that it spends maybe Five seconds on the actual grill and then proceeds to tell Charlie (our expectant mother) that her baby is going to be grilled over charcoal and may possibly be marinated in citrus first or they may just skip to baby ceviche and then she proceeds to climb the walls.  She takes a frying pan to the head is narrowly missed with a shotgun blast and finally catches half a dozen 9mm  bullets courtesy of our cliché black gangster.

They wrap grandma in plastic and chuck her ass out back.  While illegally disposing of grandma they happen to notice a cop car driving down the road, Jeep who apparently has 20/.001 vision spots that it is a LAPD cop car.  While thinking about what a strange thing this is since they are in Arizona out pops Michael with his big bag o guns.  He proceeds to tell them they are fucked and that if everyone doesn’t haul ass back into the diner they will soon be a tasty appetizer.  He then briefly explains that Charlie’s unborn child is the savior of all humankind and that she needs to birth the little bastard (which is accurate since the father is nowhere to be found).  That he Michael (angel, archangel) will help to protect her until the kid is born.

They proceed to fortify the diner and Michael has a heart-to-heart with Jeep where he explains that he has been watching mankind for a long time and that when angels were told that humans were worthy or worship he was the first to drop down on his knees.  That he has watched Jeep for a long time and has seen that he is a good man who has cared for his alcoholic father and loves poor Charlie even though she does not love him and then the power dies.  Skip to a desperate fire fight where the ravaging horde of creepy things are driven off but not after yuppie dad is snatched away.

The morning comes and Michael explains that they have passed the test of strength and now must pass the test of weakness.  Our helpless heroes are all tired and are starting to nod off when yuppie mom hears the plaintiff cries of her darling husband.  She of course sprints for the backdoor only to find him crucified upside down (on a diner sign no less) with all sorts of little pustules all over him.  As she races to free him the cook manages to catch her and while turning her away from the doomed hubby catches a back full of acid as dear hubby explodes.  And so our poor cook dies tragically yet heroically.

Night falls and the gangster and yuppie daughter are on guard duty on the roof when the power comes back on and a minivan swoops in to steal some gas.  The father jumps out and starts to pump gas while leaving little junior alone in the car.  Our heroes begin to wave and scream telling them that it is a trap and that they need to keep going.  As a surprise to no one the possessed reappear and start to cut up dad while junior watches.  The gangster jumps down and tries to rescue daddy and junior.  Daughter yuppie jumps down to help and while gangster is running back with junior the real trap is sprung!  Surprise!  Junior is a baddie and takes a chunk out of the gangsters neck.

D.Y. manages to get back into the diner and while they are all breathing a sigh of relief they suddenly discover that junior has made it inside as well (OH NOES!?!).  Junior makes quite the effort to turn the unborn savior into sushi which alas fails as his thumbs are chopped off in the process.  As our heroes ponder this turn of events Charlie goes into labor and the great horn of doom sounds.

Michael insists that the baby needs to be birthed now before something really bad happens.  The baby is successfully born and his cries keep the possessed at bay but not from (dun-dunt-dun) other archangels; enter Gabriel.  Michael orders Charlie, Jeep and D.Y. to escape and he tells Jeep that he is the true defender and that he needs to find the prophets and to decipher the instructions.  While Michael dukes it out with Gabriel they have a nice philosophical discussion as to why Gabriel was a dick brain for following GØds orders in killing the kid and that Michael was golden because he was trying to save humanity and refused to kill the kidlet.  Gabriel of course wins the fight and while Michael is dying he tells Gabe to suck it and before disappearing in a golden glow his tattoos disappear from this body.

Shockingly enough the tattoos appear on Jeep (insert surprised gasp) while they flee into the night.  Gabriel of course catches up with the car and a new fight starts.  Jeep jams on the breaks after getting the car up to 120 MPH and unsurprisingly Gabe and D.Y. go right through the windshield.  The car then clips both of them and begins to do a triple-gainer into a ditch.  Now after the car flips three times Charlie, a five-minute old baby and Jeep all manage to escape from the car without a scratch even though none of them were wearing seat belts.

They flee into the night (this time on foot) and of course are caught by Gabriel and Jeep makes his stand.  Gabriel proceeds to kick the ever-loving shit out of him and surprise Michael is back!  With wings!  Unfortunately they weren’t teriyaki or buffalo instead they were flavored with suck.  In hindsight it appears that GØd is OK with people disobeying direct orders and this leads me to wonder if GØd is flexible with the whole commandment thing… hmm something to ponder for later.  Michael and Gabriel go through another round and this time Michael is the victor.  He tells Jeep that Charlie and the kid are waiting for him and then flies off into the sunrise.

The movie ends with our happy little broken home driving off into the horizon in a station wagon filled with guns and ammo.

Darkness Falls…and goes splat

Ah Internet, I cannot help but wax poetic about this piece of shit film.  How many ways can I describe how awful this thing was… probably too many to count.  Now I understand that you have to engage the suspension of disbelief for most films, but I think that with this one you need to bludgeon yourself with a phone book several times before you view it.  This may have been my mistake, as I had not suffered the necessary head trauma to truly enjoy this work of fiction.

Let me lay out the scene for you:  It is the early 1900’s (or there about) and a kindly spinster with no children of her own pretends to be the tooth fairy and leaves coins for the local children after they lose their teeth.  There is a mysterious fire at her mansion which burns her severely and she now must wear a mask and can no longer go into sun light.  She is falsely accused by several local children for witchcraft/making them to eat their vegetables/forcible sodomy and is thus hung by the locals for a crime she did not commit.  Before dying she of course curses the town and on the night of the last day each local child loses their last tooth she visits them and as long as they do not peek she leaves them alone.

Enter our hapless hero.  On the night of his last tooth (which I now suspect was fleeing a sinking ship) he is of course warned by his friend/future love interest to not peek and of course he does.  The tooth fairy freaks out and he runs into the bathroom and leaves the light on (remember she cannot enter the light).  About Ten minutes later his parents come home and in a fit of piqué she slaughters them both.  He is of course accused of the vicious murders, the authorities cannot find enough evidence to convict a 12-year-old but the town thinks he is guilty anyway.  Our hero gets adopted by some family and is removed from the town.

12 years (or so) pass and our hero is living in Las Vegas and spends many hours each night:  1 – taking huge handfuls of medication 2 – changing batteries in flashlights 3 – being generally miserable.  Re-enter the love interest who has not yet learned her lesson and has cursed yet another member of the town of Darkness Falls by telling them not to peek.  She reaches out to our hero because her little brother (the newest victim) claims to have seen the same things that our hero has and of course no one believes him and the little guy is now in the mental hospital under observation.

The hero returns to town and every one of course gives him shit since they all still believe he killed his family.  After a heart-felt “I believe you!?!” our hero emotionally bonds with the little brother over their shared tragedy our hero goes out to have drinks with an old friend.  They go to a local bar to tie one on and our hero is desperately trying to leave and get somewhere safe before dark (oh noes!).  The “friend” is finally convinced to leave and off they drive.  During the drive our hero is now being pursued by the tooth fairy and during the “tense” driving scene they slam full speed (say about 65 to 85 mph) into an oak tree.  Side note we are not talking about a baby tree here, we are talking a tree that is at least 100 years old this is a big fuckin’ tree).

Who remembers their physics class?  When a body (the car) comes to a dead stop from hitting an immovable object (the tree) what happens to the passengers?  That’s right!  They get flung from the car through the front window ejector seat style.  The friend/driver is killed/unconscious and our hero ends up in the spooky dark forest without any light.  Scary, really…  After a desperate chase scene he gets back to the car.  Pulls his helpless friend from the driver’s seat, jumps in the car and…yep you are right the car starts!

Now, at this point I totally lost my shit.  The car engine from the impact alone should have been in the back seat of the Honda.  He jumps right in and starts the fucker up like nothing happened.  Excuse me? WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Our hapless and apparently lucky hero makes his way back to town and goes to report the “incident” to the cops.  Who of course immediately arrest him.  Now the tooth fairy is totally out for blood and wants his ass bad.  While in prison a storm blows up and takes out the town’s power, the whole town.  Our hero of course starts to freak.  Begging, pleading the whole gamut and it all falls on deaf ears.  Eventually the love interest gets to the jail and convinces the sheriff to release our hero.  They then make their way to the mental hospital.

When they get to the hospital all the power is off, cause crazy people don’t need power dontcha know.  They make their way to the kids ward where he is huddling in a small pool of light protected (for now) from the clutches of the tooth fairy.  After scooping him up and ripping a few emergency lights from the wall they make their way quickly down the hallway to the elevator.  Now remember the power is completely off, none of the lights (except the emergency battery ones) are on…the building has Zero power and they get to the elevator and push the button and…anyone anyone? It lights up.  The elevator arrives (brightly lit naturally) and they get in.  At this point I am fairly certain I had a grand mal seizure mixed with a dash of torrettes.

Thankfully there were only Four of us in the theater…

The sheriff is now convinced that the evil tooth fairy killed our hero’s family and they are now determined to end her curse on the town.  Our hero(s) race to local lighthouse and rig the light so that when the tooth fairy is there they will cleanse her with the searing light of well whatever…  Insert the usual death-defying “you have to go on without me” scenes followed by our hero(s) saving the day and burning (ironic) the evil tooth fairy with the cleansing light of a jerry rigged light house beam.  Everyone is happy and the movie ends.

I was seriously thrilled that I only had to pay $2.00 to see this film, any higher than that and I would have demanded flesh (Merchant of Venice style yo).

On My Face! (or On Your Face Part Deux)

After watching the first movie my tormentors friends and I flounced off to the local movie house see the newest installment of horror. Yes dear reader(s) I went off to see New Moon.  Now I do want to mention that I could not bring myself to actually pay money to see this movie.  So cash was handed over to my companions as the thought of actually asking for a ticket and handing over money still to this day causes pain.

We made our way to the designated theatre and I insisted that we sit somewhere in the back where I could have a higher probability of escape from the ravening clutches of the obsessed.  For I knew that I would not be able to resist making comments and I could not bear the humiliation of being torn to shreds by a rampaging horde of Twilight fans.  So back row it was.

The movie opens on our sleepy little, cloud enshrouded town somewhere in the depths of Washington and it is our heroines birthday.  A happy little party is being thrown by our sparkly friends who also apparently bake.  While picking up the knife to cut the cake our hapless heroine who is also apparently a real klutz manages to slice open her hand.  And no dear reader(s) she does not sever an artery thus ending the horror it is merely a superficial cut.  The blood runs slowly down her arm and a member of Edward’s family loses control and charges across the room only to be body blocked by our hero Edward.

Thus it is decided that despite their love (which knows no bounds) Edward and family must leave the State of Washington, now bear in mind that we are maybe Fifteen minutes into the movie.  As our heroine is getting the news that the vamps are leaving she has this intense look on her face  (somewhere between constipation and being punched in the kidney repeatedly) she says with great feeling “I am coming.”  At this point I begin to giggle uncontrollably and I look to my left and my tormentor friend is desperately trying to maintain dignity.

Because of my weaken state the Imp of the perverse now has unrestrained control over my vocal capacity and I lean over and utter the famous words: “On YOUR face!”  And much laughter was had and of course our heroine was sadly rebuffed by her beloved which if my count is correct is the 2nd or 3rd time Edward has tossed her aside like a used kleenex.  After extracting a promise from his kleenex beloved about not hurting herself Edward (and family) disappear into the World.  Emotionally crushed (yet again, sensing a theme yet?) our heroine spirals into depression (again).  At this point I wonder if the author is trying to offer a solution to global warming by encouraging the youth of the World to kill themselves but I digress from the material at hand.

Our kleenex heroine now spends a large amount of time staring out the window and screaming in her sleep.  Time passes and finally she emerges from her cocoon of misery.  Whilst out and about with a friend of hers she decides to hop a ride with a complete stranger and off she shoots on the back of a motorcycle leaving her friend all alone.  A truly considerate person our kleenex heroine is.  And zooming through the streets she sees a ghostly image of her abuser beloved telling her that she is not being safe (or some shit like that).

At this point she discovers that if she rides the adrenaline roller coaster she can be with or at the very least hallucinate about her abuser beloved.  Off she goes and buys a couple of broken down dirt bikes and convinces a friend that he needs to repair the bikes while she looks on and sighs morosely.  Time passes and she appears to be having fun with Jacob her local Native American friend and he takes a lot of abuse about his White girlfriend.  The bikes get fixed and off they go a-riding and of course she sees Edward once again telling her that she is a moron.

At this point Jacob takes ill and is seeing no visitors.  He has wolfed out and is now a werewolf and also he apparently got into remarkable shape because damn that boy had a washboard stomach anyone would kill for.  I want to mention that when the first scene of Jacob with his shirt off cause a great sigh to erupt from my tormentor friend who has apparently been lusting after him since he was Sharkboy.

Rejected once again our kleenex heroine demands answers and thus finds out that Jacob has mange become a werewolf.  She also discovers that the group of cliff divers she witnessed earlier are also in the pack of doggies.  Jacob who is of course totally enamored with our kleenex heroine is of course constantly being handed the Friend card by Bella is concerned about hurting her if he should lose control.  She is of course accepted by the doggies because she digs the freaky stuff and thus she is introduced to the pack leaders woman who was mauled by him at some point in the past as evidenced by the huge scars covering her face.  I know that love hurts but damn, I am getting the impression that the author is a fan of weak willed women who stay with their abusers because he “loves” them.

Anyway, our kleenex heroine decides to feel life again and decides to try cliff diving for herself.  Off she leaps and after some battering by the sea is eventually rescued by Jacob.  At this point the future seeing vampire is convinced that Bella has killed herself in grief and darling Edward of course reads her mind and is now going to kill himself by revealing himself to humans in Italy.  Alice the future seer comes back to discover that Bella is dating/not dating a werewolf and also the fact that Bella is in fact alive.

A short amount of girl talk later Alice and Bella are off to Italy to stop Edward from being killed by other vampires.  They end up in a town where all of the people are wearing red cloaks in celebration of the time humans drove vampires from the town.  At this point I start to scratch my head in wonder.  So the plan is that Edward is going to reveal his sparkly-ness to the humans of a town that drove them from the town a Hundred years ago, go back to the vampire leaders and then have them rip him into pieces.  Now if the humans still celebrate this day wouldn’t they already know that vampires are real?

A brief race through the crowd and Bella manages to tackle Edward and force him back into the church where the vamp leaders are hiding.  Now I do believe that I previously mentioned that vampires are only pale from the neck line up, and this is once again made entirely evident when Edward has his shirt off but I digress again.  Off the group goes to speak with the vamp leaders and it is decided that Bella is a threat because she knows too much and she must either be killed or turned into a vampire and that this needs to happen in a certain amount of time.

Edward’s family returns to Washington and it is decided that they will eventually turn her into a vampire but that this doesn’t have to happen now.  The movie of course ends with a decision that needs to be made by our kleenex heroine.  While taking her home the car is stopped by Jacob who tells Bella that she can either be with Edward or Him that he cannot be her friend/lover if she is a vampire hanger-on.  At this point she says something along the line of “Don’t make me choose between the man who is emotionally abusive to me or the man who is doggedly (heh) devoted to her.  That because the author has a really fucked up view of the World and that women should be subservient to those that abuse them she will choose her abuser.”  Maybe it is Stockholm Syndrome or maybe she has the spine of a jellyfish I guess we will have to wait and see.