The Mushroom Printing of Molly Hartley

About Two years ago I met up with some tormentors friends and we decided to go to the movies on Halloween Night.  We had a little trouble deciding what movie to see and we ended up seeing Max Payne; which is a movie that caused a massive stroke from which I am still recovering.  However the other movie that was being considered was The Haunting of Molly Hartley which I happened to catch on cable last weekend.  In retrospect Haunting may have been a better choice but it was still a pretty horrible movie.

Now this particular flick has a very loose grasp of time, kind of like how a person in the middle of a psychotic break has a loose grasp of reality.  It is incredibly easy to assume that the entire movie happens in a Three day time span instead of the handful of weeks that actually pass.  The movie opens with a teenage girl (not Molly) who is following rope with creepy post-it notes on it.  Along the lines of “A little further” and “A Surprise is Waiting (my cock)“.

She eventually makes her way to a creepy run-down shack where she is surprised by her boyfriend who gives her a heart-shaped necklace.  As they make kissy noises the girl’s father busts in and breaks up the love fest.  The father snatches her away and forces her into his truck where he proceeds to ramble about how she is shortly going to be 18 and that the darkness is coming to get her and that he can’t allow that etc etc etc and then drives his pickup through a red light and gets t-boned by a semi.

Daddy and daughter are dead and we fade to black.

We come back to the movie and Molly (Haley Bennett) is getting ready for school.  Dad (Jake Weber) asks if she is excited to start at a new school and Molly gives a non-committal answer (teenagers gotta love’em).  We then find out that Molly and Dad have moved from Boston to start afresh and we also discover that Molly has a crazy mother.  Not the typical crazy mother everyone on the planet has (Love you Mom!) but a truly bat-shit, drool on yourself crazy mother.  In fact we discover that they moved away from Boston after Mom tried to save Molly by stabbing her in the chest.  And now we enter the land of Irony, we soon find out that by moving away from Boston they have moved closer to the mental hospital where Mom is currently residing.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, can we say fore-shadowing?  I think we can!  Come one sound it out Four-shad-oh-ing.

Anyone that didn’t see Molly’s Mom making an appearance in this movie please raise your hands.  Ok, I am going to need those of you who raised their hands to walk over to the wall over there, close your eyes and start banging your head against the wall until you have learned your lesson.

Molly heads off to school at Huntington Prep and where we discover that she is a 4.0 student and that she has an appointment with the school shrink during 6th period.  Her first class is comparative literature where they are making their way through…



That’s right Paradise Lost!  Give yourself a gold star.

We also meet Molly’s first friend at Huntington Alexis (Shanna Collins) who also happens to be the lone Christian in a sea of heathens and on their way to class she asks Molly if she has been saved.  (Insert sound of squealing tires) Whoa!  Wait a minute, your first question to someone whom you have never met before is “Have you been saved?”  Really?  How about trying one of these other uncomfortable ice-breakers instead:

  • “Have you ever been  gang raped by Presbyterians?”
  • “Axe murder anyone today?”
  • “Don’t you hate it when you catch a shot of semen in the eye?”
  • “Ever been tag-teamed by midgets?”

Molly is of course non-committal and in to class they go where she sees Joseph aka the Love Interest (Chace Crawford).  Joseph has a big smile for Molly and predictably upsets his current girlfriend Suzie (AnnaLynne McCord).  Class moves along and we fast forward to lunch where Molly is in line with the Missionary (aka Alexis) and we see some cool kids chuckling at the duo Alexis says “Don’t worry they’re laughing at me.  Because of my close personal relationship with Jesus.”  At this point I began to wonder how close a personal relationship with Jesus she has.  I mean is a just friends thing?  Or maybe she wants to but Jesus really wants to wait or maybe she just has a crucifix shaped dildo in her bedside drawer.

6th period rolls around and Molly flounces off to see the shrink where we discover that Molly’s Mom tried to kill her in a bathroom and how this has horribly fucked up Molly.  On her way out of the office she sees Leah (Shannon Woodard) more on her later lazing on the couch.  The rest of the day goes smoothly and we find Molly walking home and we see Joseph roll up in his truck and offer her a ride on his cock.  She politely declines stating that she thinks Suzie wouldn’t approve of this course of action.  Molly gets home has a flashback/freak out and goes to bed.

The next day rolls around and we find Molly back in Comp. Lit. and the teacher who feels his students are retards is handing out bibles to the class because he feels they are retards that the students do not have enough of a background to truly understand Paradise Lost.  Alexis of course objects to the fact that the teacher is calling the Bible a piece of literature.  Molly takes her copy and copious amounts of blood starts gushing from her nose and down her face.  She gets rushed off to the bathroom where she has yet another freak out and Alexis eventually brings her a new shirt.  Molly goes home, has another psychotic episode in the bathroom, calls out for her father and then faints.

Back at school Molly runs into Joseph who invites her to a party at his parents place and he writes the access code on her hand.  Leah catches up with Molly at lunch and says that she will be happy to drive her to the party.  Night falls, Molly meets up with Leah and off they go and this is where we find out that Leah has issues with anger and this is why she has to see the shrink.  After a few minutes of wheedling Molly reveals that her mother tried to kill her and the conversation grinds to a predictable halt.

They get into the party, Joseph steers Molly away from Leah and we discover that he is rich, his parents are in Argentina and he has recently broken up with Suzie.  He gets called away for a burrito emergency and Molly wanders off and runs into Suzie.  OH NOES!?! We have the usual Mexican standoff, Suzie eventually tries to grab Molly who ends up breaking her wrist with a rather audible crack.  Molly freaks out tracks down Leah says she wants to leave and Leah basically tells her to fuck off.

So our heroine walks off all alone and tries to call Dad to come and get her.  Eventually she manages to call him tells him to come and get her at a BBQ joint and while crossing the street she sees her Mom standing behind her.  More freak out, she collapses and…

She wakes up sometime later and we discover that she has a growth in her nasal sinus and that it needs to be removed.  The doctor blithely says that it would cause her to hear things that weren’t there, see things that weren’t there and to have massive nose bleeds all the while pointing to an x-ray.  (Insert the sound of more squealing brakes) Sorry?  You diagnosed a growth in the nasal sinus from an x-ray?  Really?  Cause I am fairly certain the rest of the medical world would need at least a CAT scan or an MRI to do that.  Anyway… she has the operation and is cured.

She gets a visit from the Jesus freak who once again asks if she has been saved.  Alexis then goes on to talk about how her grandmother works at a hospital.  Molly returns to school and we see poor little Suzie with her arm in a sling slink away.  The rest of her day goes uneventfully and Molly makes her way home.  She calls Dad to tell him she is home and makes her way upstairs where she anyone? Anyone?

That’s right runs into Mom who begins to babble incoherently about how Molly is almost 18 and that she and her father had no choice but to make the deal with the Darkness.  That Molly had been still-born on the bathroom floor of a fast-food joint (auspicious sign that that is) and how a lady stepped out and offered them a deal to let Molly live.  Mom of course once again says that she needs to save Molly that a nice nurse who totally bought her bat-shit crazy story lets her out (to save Molly) goes for the killing stroke and Molly hurls her off the 2nd floor landing to a nasty death below.

Dad arrives home (with the police) Moms carcass is hauled off and Dad confirms that a religious nut did show up during the bathroom birth (insert flashback), that he thinks the woman was crazy and that he loves his daughter.  Molly brains dad (hey if you just offed one parent why not try for the whole set) with a Ming vase (which doesn’t break) and off she runs to…

Anyone?  Anyone?

The Jesus freak.  Molly begs to be saved, Alexis takes her into a church and brings her to a baptismal pool does the Jesus thing and then says to Molly “Remember my grandmother who works at the hospital?  Well she believed your Mother and she let her out to save you.  Now I have to save you…” and tries to drown Molly in the pool.  Molly eventually over powers Alexis, cracks her head (Alexis’s) against the wall and runs off.  For those keeping track at home this is 2 people who Molly has killed during the presentation of the movie.

As she runs outside she runs into Joseph who takes her back to his house so that they can run away together.  Cut to the Hartley homestead where Dad has been rudely awoken by a ringing doorbell.  He answers the door and sees Leah who happens to have a birthday present for Molly.  They both discover that neither of them knows where Molly is and Dad rushes out the door to begin his search.  Back to Molly who has now gotten very nervous since Joseph has been gone for about an hour.  She makes her way inside and eventually gets to a Solarium where she finds Joseph with a birthday cake.  Some conversation ensues and we discover that Joseph knows all about the darkness and that a special guest has been waiting for her.

Who is this special guest I hear you cry.  Well it is none other than the school shrink aka the religious nut job from the fast food joint (insert another flashback).  Molly gets freaked out grabs the knife (for the cutting of the cake) says she doesn’t want all the power she is promised and stabs herself in the chest.  At this point we get a real taste of the poor quality of the movie as we hear, actually hear the spring in the fake knife being compressed.  Additionally we can see that Molly has sunk the knife up to the handle in her chest and when we see it again only the tip of the knife has some goop on it.

Cut to graduation day and we see that Molly is Valedictorian says something about the future being bright and slinks off to a limo.

Roll the credits.