Cop Out with your cock out

I was desperately in need of a comedy this last weekend and so I decided to give Cop Out a chance.  Going into it I knew it wouldn’t be a great movie I mean it totally has “I suck” written all over it but I was OK with that because I had hope that it would be stupid funny.  Boy was I in for a surprise, not only was it stupid (and it sucked) but the entire movie didn’t make a lick of sense.

It desperately wanted to be a wacky buddy cop movie, it really really wanted to be a wacky buddy cop movie so desperately that I could imagine it offering $5 hand-jobs to every passerby.  The writers either have the worst case of AADHD known to humankind or they discovered the joys of methamphetamines (possibly both) while writing the script.  At its core the movie is about Two detectives that are trying to catch a drug kingpin, however with all the other crap that got hung onto it this story gets tragically lost.

This flick opens with the dynamic duo having a fight about which partner gets to interrogate “the prisoner” who is at best a lackey.  Tracey Morgan wins the argument and then rushes into the interrogation room with his gun drawn with a parting comment from Bruce Willis about how all of his (Morgans) lines are from bad cop movies.  Morgan busts into the room with our lackey hand-cuffed to the desk who reacts in a surprised manner.  I mean who wouldn’t?  Really, if you ever happen to find yourself hand-cuffed to a table in a police station and someone comes busting in with a gun you would be a little surprised too.  This is where things get a little puzzling.  Morgan proceeds to try and convince the lackey that he (Morgan) a Black man just broke into a police station (with a gun) and made his way to this particular interrogation room without being shot oh I don’t at least a Hundred times.  My first question outside of “What the fuck?” was didn’t you (Morgan) and Willis just arrest this guy for trying to distribute drugs?  I mean if I had just been busted for smuggling smack in my ass I would remember the cops that arrested me.

Morgan then proceeds to use cheesy lines from every movie ever made and Willis who is watching from behind the other side of the One-way mirror rattles off the name of each movie that Morgan has stolen lines from.  At one point during this farce the viewing room is filled with cops all laughing at how ridiculous the situation is.  Eventually Morgan extracts the necessary information (to move the plot along no doubt) and it is revealed that the lackey is supposed to get a delivery today at his store.  Cut to a cheap cellphone store with Morgan standing out front wearing a really bad cellphone outfit.  The delivery boy shows up, Morgan of course misses the confirmation signal (that the drugs are there) and the lackey is forced to make the signal again (which Morgan finally sees) and tips off the delivery boy who proceeds to shoot the lackey in the face which except for the movie ending is the best part of the movie.

Insert mandatory chase scene where the delivery boy escapes from the “good guys” leading to Morgan and Willis getting chewed out by their Captain (shocking!?!) who unsurprisingly takes away their guns and badges and suspends them without pay for a month because of their screw-ball antics.  This of course leads us to our stressor for Mr. Willis.  His daughter is getting married and of course he has agreed to pay for the wedding and he desperately needs a paycheck to cover expenses.  The Captain of course gives not a shit for his plight and basically tells him to go pound salt.  Insert chew out number 2 as another squad comes over to give our heroes a hard time about how they totally fucked up months of investigation into gang activity blah-blah-blah and that they suck.

Willis is then forced to sell a treasured baseball card to cover the wedding expenses.  Off they go to retrieve the card and on the way to the local sports memorabilia shop they have a nice heart-to-heart about how Bruce came to own this card and that it was worth oodles and oodles of cash.  Despondent over the fact that he no longer has a gun Bruce is over-joyed when Morgan pulls out a small arsenal stored in his glove box.  Happy again Bruce marches into the memorabilia shop and Morgan calls his wife (Morgans not Willis’s) since he is convinced that she is cheating on him with the next door neighbor thus distracting him from the coming action.

Shockingly the store is robbed and Bruce gets tasered, the robbers take his precious baseball card and his gun as well as a few other items from the store.  Now I accept the fact that I am not a criminal mastermind but robbing a sports memorabilia shop does not seem like a lucrative thing to do.  The fraud rate in sports memorabilia is ridiculously high and baseball junk is kind of a specialized hobby/obsession and robbing this place seems like it would lead to a lot of work for a couple of stoners.  The robbery is of course called in and Morgan and Willis are interviewed by the pair of detectives that called them a couple of dick-brains earlier that day.  Willis lies about any identifying marks (in this case a tattoo) and they are now free to go.

Morgan is able to track down the tattoo artist that did the work on the robber and he is able to tell them exactly where to go to find him doing his next crime.  Which apparently is to break into someones house using parkour and take (or more to the point leave) a shit.  The homeowner shows up (predictably) and after some shouting back and forth the heroes finally make their way into the house and after a short and totally predictable scuffle they now have a prisoner.

After some completely inane dialogue between the Three our heroes finally find out that the card and the gun were traded to a drug dealer named Poh Boy.  Now Poh Boy is the same dealer that our heroes have been looking for since the beginning of the movie and he has been a very busy boy.  He was expecting an important delivery, a very special luxury car and he assigned Two of his less than intelligent minions to drive it up from somewhere out-of-state.  Of course our moronic minions screw it up and the car gets stolen and poor Poh Boy is forced to kill his minions and puts out a bounty on the car.

Willis and Morgan then make their way to Poh Boys place only to discover that he is a dyed in the wool baseball fan, I would even go so far as to say that he is obsessed about baseball there was baseball crap all over the fucking place.  They barge their way into Poh Boys abode and finally end up in his diamond vault (diamond get it?).  Negotiations ensue and Poh Boy tells Bruce that if he can return his missing car he can get his baseball card back.

While this is happening the other team of detectives has located the murdered minions (who oh so conveniently were murdered with Morgans gun) don’t forget the parkour shit bandit traded it to Poh Boy for drugs… While investigating the scene they locate the gun and eventually discover that it belongs to Morgan.  Someone is in trouuuuubbbbble.

Bruce and Morgan track down the biggest car thief in Brooklyn (who turns out to be 12) and after threatening to tell his mother about his extracurricular they get the address of the person who stole the car.  Eventually they discover that the car was sold to a Russian lawyer (natch).  Bruce breaks into the house pretending to be a thief with Morgan a few moments behind him pretending to be a cop.  Some how they convince the lawyer to allow Bruce to take Morgan as a hostage and allow them to drive away in Poh Boys car.

A chase scene ensues because Poh Boy didn’t trust the coppers and after driving into a cemetery the bad guys chasing our heroes crash into an open grave and Poh Boys brother gets ejected through the windshield and smashes head first into a grave stone.  Our heroes drive away safely and now they are curious about the car and why it is so popular.  They soon discover that the trunk holds a woman.

The rescued woman only speaks spanish and apparently neither of our NYPD detectives can understand her.  They then take her to a Mexican restaurant where it is discovered that she has important information about a drug cartel, and it turns out she has important financial data that Poh Boy is desperately trying to get his hands on.  They stash her in a hotel so that they can hand her over to the FBI the next day.  Since the original plan has been blown to bits (obviously our heroes are not going to turn the girl or the data over to Poh Boy) Bruce decides to post bail for the parkour shit bandit and then convince him to break into Poh Boys place to steal back the baseball card while Poh Boy is out at his brothers funeral.

While Bruce is bailing out the shit bandit Morgan is pouring his heart out to the girl about how he thinks that his wife is cheating on him (which she isn’t). Eventually she feels that staying with Morgan (since she already gave them the financial data) was to dangerous and she escapes from his custody.  She of course gets caught by Poh Boys boys and is imprisoned in Poh Boys basement to be tortured later.

The bandit starts doing his thing and as he is making his way up the side of the house he slips and falls and hits his head on the stone wall surrounding Poh Boys house and is of course now dead.  After storing the dead body in the back of their car Bruce then makes his way into Poh Boys house.  Unsurprisingly Poh Boy comes home early and catches Bruce in the act.  The mandatory gun fight occurs and while the baddies are chasing Bruce through the house the other detectives show up.  Morgan eventually makes his way into the house and a whole lot of baddies get dead.

They catch up to PohBoy who is now using the girl as a human shield.  She manages to free herself and Bruce and Morgan shoot Poh Boy.  Bruce of course hits him square in the head and Morgan gets a heart shot.  Which leads us to the problem of the baseball card, which Morgan has now put a hole through because of course Poh Boy had it stored in his breast pocket.

Their Captain shows up and thanks the both of them for assisting fellow officers with an investigation even though they were suspended without pay.  They get their shields and guns back and time moves forward to the day of the wedding.  It turns out his daughters step-father ponied up the cash for the wedding so the daughter gets the wedding she dreamed of and everyone is happy and the movie ends.

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