From Paris with…what?!?

Now I am a big fan of Luc Bessons work, with The Fifth Element and Leon the Professional being my Two top favorites.  So I was anticipating a good time to be had as I walked into my local theater and sadly we missed our exit and got stuck traveling all the way to Shitsville.  As we all know once you get on the road to Shitsville there ain’t no turning around.

One of the first things that struck me was that our hero (James) is apparently really smart as he is able to beat the American Ambassador to France at chess while working through email, scheduling meetings and making phone calls.

He is so smart S-M-R-T!

Not only is he the personal aide to the Ambassador he is also trying to become an International Man of Mystery since he gets mysterious phone calls to go and change license plates on cars in parking garages.  This is also where we discover that our hero longs for more action in his life as he gazes longingly at the cool kids who get into the car(s) a few minutes later.

As he heads home James gets another call that tells him that he will need to place a bug in an office the next day at a meeting and he discovers that he already has the bug on him (Qu’elle Surprise!).  During the meeting we discover that apparently bugs are usually placed using bubblegum, which actually fails to work for our hero (don’t forget he isn’t a real IMM yet) and he eventually resorts to stapling the bug under a desk after everyone has left (the old I forgot something ploy).  He gets an official pat on the head for another job well done heads home has dinner with his girlfriend (who proposes to him with her fathers ring, damn those French chicks are aggressive).  During their happy little moment James gets a call from the mysterious voice and is told that he will be assisting a real live IMM and that if he does a really good job he will become that which he longs for.

Enter John Travolta who is in need of rescue from those dastardly French Immigration officers.  So dastardly that they will not let him enter France with all of his special cans of energy drink.  After several minutes of witty banter our hero simply slaps a diplomatic mail sticker on the bag and off they go to apparently get Chinese food, and as they drive they have a witty conversation about how Egg Fu Yung was actually invented by a Jewish American… and we also discover that James studied Mandarin at College (he is so smart S-M-R-T).

But wait they are not really there for bad Chinese food, they are there to kill lots of people! Oh and apparently to score a metric ton of coke as well but more on that shortly.  After murdering all but one of the workers in the restaurant it is discovered that clever drug dealers hide their drugs in the ceiling… who knew?  Here I thought they might keep it in oh I don’t know something more easily accessible.  After shooting several holes in the ceiling they proceed to fill a Ming vase with several kilos of cocaine and then let the last guy go.

After some fancy driving they end up… behind the restaurant they just shot up… hmm… Ah they are waiting for the last Asian standing to run away so they can follow him (gosh they really are smart!).  They break into another building and proceed to kill yet more Asian people, actually lots of Asian people I would even go so far to say that it reached boat loads of dead Asian people (insert obligatory over population control joke).  Finally they get to the big boss and extract from  him the address of the people he buys his drugs from.

Off they go to find more people that need killing (with a brief stop to snort some of their metric ton of cocaine at the top of the Eiffel Tower) however along the way to their stakeout John also picks up a prostitute because the one thing you absolutely need for a stake out is a prostitute.  As they walk up the stairs James sees his fiancé coming down the stairs with an arm full of orange material and she doesn’t look happy to see him in the company of a ruffian and a prostitute (Oh boy!  He is going to get it now…).  They then rudely bust into an apartment that overlooks the address they want to surveille, John disappears into the bathroom with his French hooker and our hero is left to watch out the window with his Ming vase full of cocaine while he gets berated by his fiancé for being out all night.

Eventually the next set of bad guys appear and off they go.  But no our heroes do not follow they have a satellite do it this time, apparently John is a little tired from banging his French hooker.  They soon discover that the bad guys are in a ghetto and in they go to buy some drugs.  While waiting for their cocaine to arrive they get robbed by the dealers guards.  After the drugs arrive there is some discussion about how much cocaine is considered for personal use and how much will get you sent to jail and after some incredibly obvious prompts our hero finally dashes the Ming vase full of coke on the floor (bet you forgot about that didn’t you?) and all the little baddies scatter.

After reacquiring their worldly possessions they proceed upstairs to cause more mayhem where they discover that the drug importers are terrorists!  They kill yet more people and then make a joke that they have killed enough people to have killed just about as many people as there are hours in the day.  Then they head off to meet some mysterious people in trench coats where John gets handed a brown paper bag, filled with cheese burgers… Quarter pounders… Royales with Cheese!  Sigh.

Our hero then convinces him that they should go back to his apartment for dinner with our hero’s fiancé and her best friend instead of killing himself with junk food.  While dinner is being laid out John starts making conversation with the best friend and after insulting her several times he shoots her in the face.  Then proceeds to explain to our hero that his apartment has been bugged and that his fiancé and her friend were terrorists associated with the same group of baddies they killed earlier that day.  The fiancé escapes after shooting our hero in the shoulder and John chases her across several buildings (parkour style baby) but she eventually manages to escape and gets away in a green volvo.

The dynamic duo then deduce that the bad guys are after another American diplomat which results in the mandatory car chase of the dreaded green volvo.  Eventually it is discovered that the fiancé is not in the car and John eventually is able to blow it up using an anti-tank weapon.  While this is happening our hero remembers that his beloved makes her own clothes and realizes that she is going to be a suicide bomber at the embassy itself (Oh NOES!?!).

Off he rushes and of course she has used his ID to get into the embassy, apparently no one actually checks ID’s anymore tsk tsk tsk, but he makes it inside and finds his beloved with the vest full of explosives ready to blow herself up in the name of something… come to think of it we never do find out why she is willing to die.  Maybe she is willing to die for all the drug dealers (Asian and otherwise) that have died through the filming of this movie.  We have the mandatory heart-felt plea to his beloved to not kill herself that he loves her so and yada-yada-yada he eventually shoots her in the head.

The movie ends with our hero taking John to the airport so that he can fly off to wherever.  He hands John a bag full of cheese burgers (sniff sniff he cares!) and then they decided to play a game of chess.  John then warns our hero that he is a sore loser and puts his gun on the cart, but our hero (not to be out done) puts his even bigger gun on the cart! OH JOYOUS DAY, he made it he is an International Man of Mystery!

So what have we learned from this movie?

  1. Apparently there isn’t any good Chinese food in France.
  2. All the Chinese people in France are drug dealers and they hide their drug stash in the ceiling.
  3. French hookers are totally worth picking up before going to a stake out.