Legionary Position

Apparently cleanliness is not next to godliness.  It seems that tattoos are, in fact next to godliness, GØd appears to be into the freaky stuff.  Now I will admit that I do like movies that leave you filling in a few blanks however when a movie just pretends that back story is completely unnecessary we really are in for some trouble.

Our film opens with Michael (angel, archangel) landing in an alley where he proceeds to cut off his wings.  Apparently Michael was a bad bad boy but more on that later and is covered in tattoos.  Then he breaks into a toy factory and steals quite an arsenal of weapons because hey if you need enough weapons to outfit a small army break into a toy factory.  Then we cut to a pair of cops driving a patrol through the streets and the cop riding shotgun is pontificating that the homeless need to be burned from the streets so that the city can start over.  Now I am certainly all for cleansing Los Angles with fire (preferably the nuclear variety) but come on how cliché is it to have cops cruising around pointing a finger gun at people and shooting?

Now while the cops are cruising past Michael (angel, archangel) feels the need to make a dramatic and religious entrance or more appropriately exit onto the street.  The door to the street has a bar across it and I will admit it was a very daunting bar but I am fairly certain that with the proper application of an upwards pressure the bar would have been easily moved.  However no, this is not enough apparently Michael needs to blow the door open and even manages to make it crucifix shaped.

Predictably the po-po (that would be police for our white readers) felt this an act worthy of inspection.  As Michael (angel, archangel) leaves the weapons cache the po-po feel the need to jack his shit up.  I mean come on, can’t a tall well dressed white guy blast his way out of a toy factory/weapons emporium with Two honkingly huge duffel bags filled with guns and ammo at midnight in the middle of the ghetto without the po-po totally profiling him?  So as the cops are totally performing an illegal search (I mean it was a smallish explosion no one was hurt Jeez) the cop who was riding shotgun has a minor seizure and radical dental growth.

He proceeds to call Michael several nasty names and basically delivers the message that GØd says he can suck it.  Normally I would feel that being told to suck it by the almighty is quite an honor but you get the distinct impression that GØd probably wouldn’t stop to piss on Michael if he were on fire.  Michael then proceeds to demonstrate how much of a badass he is by killing both cops and then steals their car.  GTA baby, G.T.A.

Cut to the middle of fucking nowhere Arizona where our heroine has woken from a bad dream (alas poor Charlie you ARE in fact in a shitty movie).  Now our heroine is preggers, really amazingly preggers (Eight months or so) and a waitress working at the diner at the end of the universe.  Enter our human hero Jeep, yes Jeep I wish I were kidding… who is concerned that Charlie has awoken with a fright and has the need to calm her poor shattered nerves.

Fast-forward several hours.  In our diner in the middle of fucking nowhere we have a nice yuppie family who are having some trouble with their beemer and Jeep (you remember him don’t you dear readers?) is supposed to be fixing it.  Instead he is dusting off an infant crib and his father comes out to be all paternal and motivate his son into actually doing his job.  While this is happening enter in our next character who just happens to be yet another cliché is a black man driving a large black SUV.  He of course stops in at the diner because his cellphone has no reception and desperately needs to make a phone call.  He is of course allowed to make his call with the diner phone in the back office.

Enter the crazy old lady.  We later find out that the weak-willed are now being controlled by angels which still doesn’t really explain the teeth but I digress.  The old lady orders a rare steak so rare that it spends maybe Five seconds on the actual grill and then proceeds to tell Charlie (our expectant mother) that her baby is going to be grilled over charcoal and may possibly be marinated in citrus first or they may just skip to baby ceviche and then she proceeds to climb the walls.  She takes a frying pan to the head is narrowly missed with a shotgun blast and finally catches half a dozen 9mm  bullets courtesy of our cliché black gangster.

They wrap grandma in plastic and chuck her ass out back.  While illegally disposing of grandma they happen to notice a cop car driving down the road, Jeep who apparently has 20/.001 vision spots that it is a LAPD cop car.  While thinking about what a strange thing this is since they are in Arizona out pops Michael with his big bag o guns.  He proceeds to tell them they are fucked and that if everyone doesn’t haul ass back into the diner they will soon be a tasty appetizer.  He then briefly explains that Charlie’s unborn child is the savior of all humankind and that she needs to birth the little bastard (which is accurate since the father is nowhere to be found).  That he Michael (angel, archangel) will help to protect her until the kid is born.

They proceed to fortify the diner and Michael has a heart-to-heart with Jeep where he explains that he has been watching mankind for a long time and that when angels were told that humans were worthy or worship he was the first to drop down on his knees.  That he has watched Jeep for a long time and has seen that he is a good man who has cared for his alcoholic father and loves poor Charlie even though she does not love him and then the power dies.  Skip to a desperate fire fight where the ravaging horde of creepy things are driven off but not after yuppie dad is snatched away.

The morning comes and Michael explains that they have passed the test of strength and now must pass the test of weakness.  Our helpless heroes are all tired and are starting to nod off when yuppie mom hears the plaintiff cries of her darling husband.  She of course sprints for the backdoor only to find him crucified upside down (on a diner sign no less) with all sorts of little pustules all over him.  As she races to free him the cook manages to catch her and while turning her away from the doomed hubby catches a back full of acid as dear hubby explodes.  And so our poor cook dies tragically yet heroically.

Night falls and the gangster and yuppie daughter are on guard duty on the roof when the power comes back on and a minivan swoops in to steal some gas.  The father jumps out and starts to pump gas while leaving little junior alone in the car.  Our heroes begin to wave and scream telling them that it is a trap and that they need to keep going.  As a surprise to no one the possessed reappear and start to cut up dad while junior watches.  The gangster jumps down and tries to rescue daddy and junior.  Daughter yuppie jumps down to help and while gangster is running back with junior the real trap is sprung!  Surprise!  Junior is a baddie and takes a chunk out of the gangsters neck.

D.Y. manages to get back into the diner and while they are all breathing a sigh of relief they suddenly discover that junior has made it inside as well (OH NOES!?!).  Junior makes quite the effort to turn the unborn savior into sushi which alas fails as his thumbs are chopped off in the process.  As our heroes ponder this turn of events Charlie goes into labor and the great horn of doom sounds.

Michael insists that the baby needs to be birthed now before something really bad happens.  The baby is successfully born and his cries keep the possessed at bay but not from (dun-dunt-dun) other archangels; enter Gabriel.  Michael orders Charlie, Jeep and D.Y. to escape and he tells Jeep that he is the true defender and that he needs to find the prophets and to decipher the instructions.  While Michael dukes it out with Gabriel they have a nice philosophical discussion as to why Gabriel was a dick brain for following GØds orders in killing the kid and that Michael was golden because he was trying to save humanity and refused to kill the kidlet.  Gabriel of course wins the fight and while Michael is dying he tells Gabe to suck it and before disappearing in a golden glow his tattoos disappear from this body.

Shockingly enough the tattoos appear on Jeep (insert surprised gasp) while they flee into the night.  Gabriel of course catches up with the car and a new fight starts.  Jeep jams on the breaks after getting the car up to 120 MPH and unsurprisingly Gabe and D.Y. go right through the windshield.  The car then clips both of them and begins to do a triple-gainer into a ditch.  Now after the car flips three times Charlie, a five-minute old baby and Jeep all manage to escape from the car without a scratch even though none of them were wearing seat belts.

They flee into the night (this time on foot) and of course are caught by Gabriel and Jeep makes his stand.  Gabriel proceeds to kick the ever-loving shit out of him and surprise Michael is back!  With wings!  Unfortunately they weren’t teriyaki or buffalo instead they were flavored with suck.  In hindsight it appears that GØd is OK with people disobeying direct orders and this leads me to wonder if GØd is flexible with the whole commandment thing… hmm something to ponder for later.  Michael and Gabriel go through another round and this time Michael is the victor.  He tells Jeep that Charlie and the kid are waiting for him and then flies off into the sunrise.

The movie ends with our happy little broken home driving off into the horizon in a station wagon filled with guns and ammo.

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One Response to Legionary Position

  1. Brendan says:

    Jesus saves, Moses invests. I’m just Nailed Right In on this one (get it?).

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