Darkness Falls…and goes splat

Ah Internet, I cannot help but wax poetic about this piece of shit film.  How many ways can I describe how awful this thing was… probably too many to count.  Now I understand that you have to engage the suspension of disbelief for most films, but I think that with this one you need to bludgeon yourself with a phone book several times before you view it.  This may have been my mistake, as I had not suffered the necessary head trauma to truly enjoy this work of fiction.

Let me lay out the scene for you:  It is the early 1900’s (or there about) and a kindly spinster with no children of her own pretends to be the tooth fairy and leaves coins for the local children after they lose their teeth.  There is a mysterious fire at her mansion which burns her severely and she now must wear a mask and can no longer go into sun light.  She is falsely accused by several local children for witchcraft/making them to eat their vegetables/forcible sodomy and is thus hung by the locals for a crime she did not commit.  Before dying she of course curses the town and on the night of the last day each local child loses their last tooth she visits them and as long as they do not peek she leaves them alone.

Enter our hapless hero.  On the night of his last tooth (which I now suspect was fleeing a sinking ship) he is of course warned by his friend/future love interest to not peek and of course he does.  The tooth fairy freaks out and he runs into the bathroom and leaves the light on (remember she cannot enter the light).  About Ten minutes later his parents come home and in a fit of piqué she slaughters them both.  He is of course accused of the vicious murders, the authorities cannot find enough evidence to convict a 12-year-old but the town thinks he is guilty anyway.  Our hero gets adopted by some family and is removed from the town.

12 years (or so) pass and our hero is living in Las Vegas and spends many hours each night:  1 – taking huge handfuls of medication 2 – changing batteries in flashlights 3 – being generally miserable.  Re-enter the love interest who has not yet learned her lesson and has cursed yet another member of the town of Darkness Falls by telling them not to peek.  She reaches out to our hero because her little brother (the newest victim) claims to have seen the same things that our hero has and of course no one believes him and the little guy is now in the mental hospital under observation.

The hero returns to town and every one of course gives him shit since they all still believe he killed his family.  After a heart-felt “I believe you!?!” our hero emotionally bonds with the little brother over their shared tragedy our hero goes out to have drinks with an old friend.  They go to a local bar to tie one on and our hero is desperately trying to leave and get somewhere safe before dark (oh noes!).  The “friend” is finally convinced to leave and off they drive.  During the drive our hero is now being pursued by the tooth fairy and during the “tense” driving scene they slam full speed (say about 65 to 85 mph) into an oak tree.  Side note we are not talking about a baby tree here, we are talking a tree that is at least 100 years old this is a big fuckin’ tree).

Who remembers their physics class?  When a body (the car) comes to a dead stop from hitting an immovable object (the tree) what happens to the passengers?  That’s right!  They get flung from the car through the front window ejector seat style.  The friend/driver is killed/unconscious and our hero ends up in the spooky dark forest without any light.  Scary, really…  After a desperate chase scene he gets back to the car.  Pulls his helpless friend from the driver’s seat, jumps in the car and…yep you are right the car starts!

Now, at this point I totally lost my shit.  The car engine from the impact alone should have been in the back seat of the Honda.  He jumps right in and starts the fucker up like nothing happened.  Excuse me? WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Our hapless and apparently lucky hero makes his way back to town and goes to report the “incident” to the cops.  Who of course immediately arrest him.  Now the tooth fairy is totally out for blood and wants his ass bad.  While in prison a storm blows up and takes out the town’s power, the whole town.  Our hero of course starts to freak.  Begging, pleading the whole gamut and it all falls on deaf ears.  Eventually the love interest gets to the jail and convinces the sheriff to release our hero.  They then make their way to the mental hospital.

When they get to the hospital all the power is off, cause crazy people don’t need power dontcha know.  They make their way to the kids ward where he is huddling in a small pool of light protected (for now) from the clutches of the tooth fairy.  After scooping him up and ripping a few emergency lights from the wall they make their way quickly down the hallway to the elevator.  Now remember the power is completely off, none of the lights (except the emergency battery ones) are on…the building has Zero power and they get to the elevator and push the button and…anyone anyone? It lights up.  The elevator arrives (brightly lit naturally) and they get in.  At this point I am fairly certain I had a grand mal seizure mixed with a dash of torrettes.

Thankfully there were only Four of us in the theater…

The sheriff is now convinced that the evil tooth fairy killed our hero’s family and they are now determined to end her curse on the town.  Our hero(s) race to local lighthouse and rig the light so that when the tooth fairy is there they will cleanse her with the searing light of well whatever…  Insert the usual death-defying “you have to go on without me” scenes followed by our hero(s) saving the day and burning (ironic) the evil tooth fairy with the cleansing light of a jerry rigged light house beam.  Everyone is happy and the movie ends.

I was seriously thrilled that I only had to pay $2.00 to see this film, any higher than that and I would have demanded flesh (Merchant of Venice style yo).


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