On My Face! (or On Your Face Part Deux)

After watching the first movie my tormentors friends and I flounced off to the local movie house see the newest installment of horror. Yes dear reader(s) I went off to see New Moon.  Now I do want to mention that I could not bring myself to actually pay money to see this movie.  So cash was handed over to my companions as the thought of actually asking for a ticket and handing over money still to this day causes pain.

We made our way to the designated theatre and I insisted that we sit somewhere in the back where I could have a higher probability of escape from the ravening clutches of the obsessed.  For I knew that I would not be able to resist making comments and I could not bear the humiliation of being torn to shreds by a rampaging horde of Twilight fans.  So back row it was.

The movie opens on our sleepy little, cloud enshrouded town somewhere in the depths of Washington and it is our heroines birthday.  A happy little party is being thrown by our sparkly friends who also apparently bake.  While picking up the knife to cut the cake our hapless heroine who is also apparently a real klutz manages to slice open her hand.  And no dear reader(s) she does not sever an artery thus ending the horror it is merely a superficial cut.  The blood runs slowly down her arm and a member of Edward’s family loses control and charges across the room only to be body blocked by our hero Edward.

Thus it is decided that despite their love (which knows no bounds) Edward and family must leave the State of Washington, now bear in mind that we are maybe Fifteen minutes into the movie.  As our heroine is getting the news that the vamps are leaving she has this intense look on her face  (somewhere between constipation and being punched in the kidney repeatedly) she says with great feeling “I am coming.”  At this point I begin to giggle uncontrollably and I look to my left and my tormentor friend is desperately trying to maintain dignity.

Because of my weaken state the Imp of the perverse now has unrestrained control over my vocal capacity and I lean over and utter the famous words: “On YOUR face!”  And much laughter was had and of course our heroine was sadly rebuffed by her beloved which if my count is correct is the 2nd or 3rd time Edward has tossed her aside like a used kleenex.  After extracting a promise from his kleenex beloved about not hurting herself Edward (and family) disappear into the World.  Emotionally crushed (yet again, sensing a theme yet?) our heroine spirals into depression (again).  At this point I wonder if the author is trying to offer a solution to global warming by encouraging the youth of the World to kill themselves but I digress from the material at hand.

Our kleenex heroine now spends a large amount of time staring out the window and screaming in her sleep.  Time passes and finally she emerges from her cocoon of misery.  Whilst out and about with a friend of hers she decides to hop a ride with a complete stranger and off she shoots on the back of a motorcycle leaving her friend all alone.  A truly considerate person our kleenex heroine is.  And zooming through the streets she sees a ghostly image of her abuser beloved telling her that she is not being safe (or some shit like that).

At this point she discovers that if she rides the adrenaline roller coaster she can be with or at the very least hallucinate about her abuser beloved.  Off she goes and buys a couple of broken down dirt bikes and convinces a friend that he needs to repair the bikes while she looks on and sighs morosely.  Time passes and she appears to be having fun with Jacob her local Native American friend and he takes a lot of abuse about his White girlfriend.  The bikes get fixed and off they go a-riding and of course she sees Edward once again telling her that she is a moron.

At this point Jacob takes ill and is seeing no visitors.  He has wolfed out and is now a werewolf and also he apparently got into remarkable shape because damn that boy had a washboard stomach anyone would kill for.  I want to mention that when the first scene of Jacob with his shirt off cause a great sigh to erupt from my tormentor friend who has apparently been lusting after him since he was Sharkboy.

Rejected once again our kleenex heroine demands answers and thus finds out that Jacob has mange become a werewolf.  She also discovers that the group of cliff divers she witnessed earlier are also in the pack of doggies.  Jacob who is of course totally enamored with our kleenex heroine is of course constantly being handed the Friend card by Bella is concerned about hurting her if he should lose control.  She is of course accepted by the doggies because she digs the freaky stuff and thus she is introduced to the pack leaders woman who was mauled by him at some point in the past as evidenced by the huge scars covering her face.  I know that love hurts but damn, I am getting the impression that the author is a fan of weak willed women who stay with their abusers because he “loves” them.

Anyway, our kleenex heroine decides to feel life again and decides to try cliff diving for herself.  Off she leaps and after some battering by the sea is eventually rescued by Jacob.  At this point the future seeing vampire is convinced that Bella has killed herself in grief and darling Edward of course reads her mind and is now going to kill himself by revealing himself to humans in Italy.  Alice the future seer comes back to discover that Bella is dating/not dating a werewolf and also the fact that Bella is in fact alive.

A short amount of girl talk later Alice and Bella are off to Italy to stop Edward from being killed by other vampires.  They end up in a town where all of the people are wearing red cloaks in celebration of the time humans drove vampires from the town.  At this point I start to scratch my head in wonder.  So the plan is that Edward is going to reveal his sparkly-ness to the humans of a town that drove them from the town a Hundred years ago, go back to the vampire leaders and then have them rip him into pieces.  Now if the humans still celebrate this day wouldn’t they already know that vampires are real?

A brief race through the crowd and Bella manages to tackle Edward and force him back into the church where the vamp leaders are hiding.  Now I do believe that I previously mentioned that vampires are only pale from the neck line up, and this is once again made entirely evident when Edward has his shirt off but I digress again.  Off the group goes to speak with the vamp leaders and it is decided that Bella is a threat because she knows too much and she must either be killed or turned into a vampire and that this needs to happen in a certain amount of time.

Edward’s family returns to Washington and it is decided that they will eventually turn her into a vampire but that this doesn’t have to happen now.  The movie of course ends with a decision that needs to be made by our kleenex heroine.  While taking her home the car is stopped by Jacob who tells Bella that she can either be with Edward or Him that he cannot be her friend/lover if she is a vampire hanger-on.  At this point she says something along the line of “Don’t make me choose between the man who is emotionally abusive to me or the man who is doggedly (heh) devoted to her.  That because the author has a really fucked up view of the World and that women should be subservient to those that abuse them she will choose her abuser.”  Maybe it is Stockholm Syndrome or maybe she has the spine of a jellyfish I guess we will have to wait and see.

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One Response to On My Face! (or On Your Face Part Deux)

  1. Brendan says:

    Ah, Forks Washington the site of this tale, a small town shrouded in rain, fog and Mormons, could have called the tale “Intact Hymens in the Mist.”

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