Legionary Position

Apparently cleanliness is not next to godliness.  It seems that tattoos are, in fact next to godliness, GØd appears to be into the freaky stuff.  Now I will admit that I do like movies that leave you filling in a few blanks however when a movie just pretends that back story is completely unnecessary we really are in for some trouble.

Our film opens with Michael (angel, archangel) landing in an alley where he proceeds to cut off his wings.  Apparently Michael was a bad bad boy but more on that later and is covered in tattoos.  Then he breaks into a toy factory and steals quite an arsenal of weapons because hey if you need enough weapons to outfit a small army break into a toy factory.  Then we cut to a pair of cops driving a patrol through the streets and the cop riding shotgun is pontificating that the homeless need to be burned from the streets so that the city can start over.  Now I am certainly all for cleansing Los Angles with fire (preferably the nuclear variety) but come on how cliché is it to have cops cruising around pointing a finger gun at people and shooting?

Now while the cops are cruising past Michael (angel, archangel) feels the need to make a dramatic and religious entrance or more appropriately exit onto the street.  The door to the street has a bar across it and I will admit it was a very daunting bar but I am fairly certain that with the proper application of an upwards pressure the bar would have been easily moved.  However no, this is not enough apparently Michael needs to blow the door open and even manages to make it crucifix shaped.

Predictably the po-po (that would be police for our white readers) felt this an act worthy of inspection.  As Michael (angel, archangel) leaves the weapons cache the po-po feel the need to jack his shit up.  I mean come on, can’t a tall well dressed white guy blast his way out of a toy factory/weapons emporium with Two honkingly huge duffel bags filled with guns and ammo at midnight in the middle of the ghetto without the po-po totally profiling him?  So as the cops are totally performing an illegal search (I mean it was a smallish explosion no one was hurt Jeez) the cop who was riding shotgun has a minor seizure and radical dental growth.

He proceeds to call Michael several nasty names and basically delivers the message that GØd says he can suck it.  Normally I would feel that being told to suck it by the almighty is quite an honor but you get the distinct impression that GØd probably wouldn’t stop to piss on Michael if he were on fire.  Michael then proceeds to demonstrate how much of a badass he is by killing both cops and then steals their car.  GTA baby, G.T.A.

Cut to the middle of fucking nowhere Arizona where our heroine has woken from a bad dream (alas poor Charlie you ARE in fact in a shitty movie).  Now our heroine is preggers, really amazingly preggers (Eight months or so) and a waitress working at the diner at the end of the universe.  Enter our human hero Jeep, yes Jeep I wish I were kidding… who is concerned that Charlie has awoken with a fright and has the need to calm her poor shattered nerves.

Fast-forward several hours.  In our diner in the middle of fucking nowhere we have a nice yuppie family who are having some trouble with their beemer and Jeep (you remember him don’t you dear readers?) is supposed to be fixing it.  Instead he is dusting off an infant crib and his father comes out to be all paternal and motivate his son into actually doing his job.  While this is happening enter in our next character who just happens to be yet another cliché is a black man driving a large black SUV.  He of course stops in at the diner because his cellphone has no reception and desperately needs to make a phone call.  He is of course allowed to make his call with the diner phone in the back office.

Enter the crazy old lady.  We later find out that the weak-willed are now being controlled by angels which still doesn’t really explain the teeth but I digress.  The old lady orders a rare steak so rare that it spends maybe Five seconds on the actual grill and then proceeds to tell Charlie (our expectant mother) that her baby is going to be grilled over charcoal and may possibly be marinated in citrus first or they may just skip to baby ceviche and then she proceeds to climb the walls.  She takes a frying pan to the head is narrowly missed with a shotgun blast and finally catches half a dozen 9mm  bullets courtesy of our cliché black gangster.

They wrap grandma in plastic and chuck her ass out back.  While illegally disposing of grandma they happen to notice a cop car driving down the road, Jeep who apparently has 20/.001 vision spots that it is a LAPD cop car.  While thinking about what a strange thing this is since they are in Arizona out pops Michael with his big bag o guns.  He proceeds to tell them they are fucked and that if everyone doesn’t haul ass back into the diner they will soon be a tasty appetizer.  He then briefly explains that Charlie’s unborn child is the savior of all humankind and that she needs to birth the little bastard (which is accurate since the father is nowhere to be found).  That he Michael (angel, archangel) will help to protect her until the kid is born.

They proceed to fortify the diner and Michael has a heart-to-heart with Jeep where he explains that he has been watching mankind for a long time and that when angels were told that humans were worthy or worship he was the first to drop down on his knees.  That he has watched Jeep for a long time and has seen that he is a good man who has cared for his alcoholic father and loves poor Charlie even though she does not love him and then the power dies.  Skip to a desperate fire fight where the ravaging horde of creepy things are driven off but not after yuppie dad is snatched away.

The morning comes and Michael explains that they have passed the test of strength and now must pass the test of weakness.  Our helpless heroes are all tired and are starting to nod off when yuppie mom hears the plaintiff cries of her darling husband.  She of course sprints for the backdoor only to find him crucified upside down (on a diner sign no less) with all sorts of little pustules all over him.  As she races to free him the cook manages to catch her and while turning her away from the doomed hubby catches a back full of acid as dear hubby explodes.  And so our poor cook dies tragically yet heroically.

Night falls and the gangster and yuppie daughter are on guard duty on the roof when the power comes back on and a minivan swoops in to steal some gas.  The father jumps out and starts to pump gas while leaving little junior alone in the car.  Our heroes begin to wave and scream telling them that it is a trap and that they need to keep going.  As a surprise to no one the possessed reappear and start to cut up dad while junior watches.  The gangster jumps down and tries to rescue daddy and junior.  Daughter yuppie jumps down to help and while gangster is running back with junior the real trap is sprung!  Surprise!  Junior is a baddie and takes a chunk out of the gangsters neck.

D.Y. manages to get back into the diner and while they are all breathing a sigh of relief they suddenly discover that junior has made it inside as well (OH NOES!?!).  Junior makes quite the effort to turn the unborn savior into sushi which alas fails as his thumbs are chopped off in the process.  As our heroes ponder this turn of events Charlie goes into labor and the great horn of doom sounds.

Michael insists that the baby needs to be birthed now before something really bad happens.  The baby is successfully born and his cries keep the possessed at bay but not from (dun-dunt-dun) other archangels; enter Gabriel.  Michael orders Charlie, Jeep and D.Y. to escape and he tells Jeep that he is the true defender and that he needs to find the prophets and to decipher the instructions.  While Michael dukes it out with Gabriel they have a nice philosophical discussion as to why Gabriel was a dick brain for following GØds orders in killing the kid and that Michael was golden because he was trying to save humanity and refused to kill the kidlet.  Gabriel of course wins the fight and while Michael is dying he tells Gabe to suck it and before disappearing in a golden glow his tattoos disappear from this body.

Shockingly enough the tattoos appear on Jeep (insert surprised gasp) while they flee into the night.  Gabriel of course catches up with the car and a new fight starts.  Jeep jams on the breaks after getting the car up to 120 MPH and unsurprisingly Gabe and D.Y. go right through the windshield.  The car then clips both of them and begins to do a triple-gainer into a ditch.  Now after the car flips three times Charlie, a five-minute old baby and Jeep all manage to escape from the car without a scratch even though none of them were wearing seat belts.

They flee into the night (this time on foot) and of course are caught by Gabriel and Jeep makes his stand.  Gabriel proceeds to kick the ever-loving shit out of him and surprise Michael is back!  With wings!  Unfortunately they weren’t teriyaki or buffalo instead they were flavored with suck.  In hindsight it appears that GØd is OK with people disobeying direct orders and this leads me to wonder if GØd is flexible with the whole commandment thing… hmm something to ponder for later.  Michael and Gabriel go through another round and this time Michael is the victor.  He tells Jeep that Charlie and the kid are waiting for him and then flies off into the sunrise.

The movie ends with our happy little broken home driving off into the horizon in a station wagon filled with guns and ammo.

Darkness Falls…and goes splat

Ah Internet, I cannot help but wax poetic about this piece of shit film.  How many ways can I describe how awful this thing was… probably too many to count.  Now I understand that you have to engage the suspension of disbelief for most films, but I think that with this one you need to bludgeon yourself with a phone book several times before you view it.  This may have been my mistake, as I had not suffered the necessary head trauma to truly enjoy this work of fiction.

Let me lay out the scene for you:  It is the early 1900’s (or there about) and a kindly spinster with no children of her own pretends to be the tooth fairy and leaves coins for the local children after they lose their teeth.  There is a mysterious fire at her mansion which burns her severely and she now must wear a mask and can no longer go into sun light.  She is falsely accused by several local children for witchcraft/making them to eat their vegetables/forcible sodomy and is thus hung by the locals for a crime she did not commit.  Before dying she of course curses the town and on the night of the last day each local child loses their last tooth she visits them and as long as they do not peek she leaves them alone.

Enter our hapless hero.  On the night of his last tooth (which I now suspect was fleeing a sinking ship) he is of course warned by his friend/future love interest to not peek and of course he does.  The tooth fairy freaks out and he runs into the bathroom and leaves the light on (remember she cannot enter the light).  About Ten minutes later his parents come home and in a fit of piqué she slaughters them both.  He is of course accused of the vicious murders, the authorities cannot find enough evidence to convict a 12-year-old but the town thinks he is guilty anyway.  Our hero gets adopted by some family and is removed from the town.

12 years (or so) pass and our hero is living in Las Vegas and spends many hours each night:  1 – taking huge handfuls of medication 2 – changing batteries in flashlights 3 – being generally miserable.  Re-enter the love interest who has not yet learned her lesson and has cursed yet another member of the town of Darkness Falls by telling them not to peek.  She reaches out to our hero because her little brother (the newest victim) claims to have seen the same things that our hero has and of course no one believes him and the little guy is now in the mental hospital under observation.

The hero returns to town and every one of course gives him shit since they all still believe he killed his family.  After a heart-felt “I believe you!?!” our hero emotionally bonds with the little brother over their shared tragedy our hero goes out to have drinks with an old friend.  They go to a local bar to tie one on and our hero is desperately trying to leave and get somewhere safe before dark (oh noes!).  The “friend” is finally convinced to leave and off they drive.  During the drive our hero is now being pursued by the tooth fairy and during the “tense” driving scene they slam full speed (say about 65 to 85 mph) into an oak tree.  Side note we are not talking about a baby tree here, we are talking a tree that is at least 100 years old this is a big fuckin’ tree).

Who remembers their physics class?  When a body (the car) comes to a dead stop from hitting an immovable object (the tree) what happens to the passengers?  That’s right!  They get flung from the car through the front window ejector seat style.  The friend/driver is killed/unconscious and our hero ends up in the spooky dark forest without any light.  Scary, really…  After a desperate chase scene he gets back to the car.  Pulls his helpless friend from the driver’s seat, jumps in the car and…yep you are right the car starts!

Now, at this point I totally lost my shit.  The car engine from the impact alone should have been in the back seat of the Honda.  He jumps right in and starts the fucker up like nothing happened.  Excuse me? WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Our hapless and apparently lucky hero makes his way back to town and goes to report the “incident” to the cops.  Who of course immediately arrest him.  Now the tooth fairy is totally out for blood and wants his ass bad.  While in prison a storm blows up and takes out the town’s power, the whole town.  Our hero of course starts to freak.  Begging, pleading the whole gamut and it all falls on deaf ears.  Eventually the love interest gets to the jail and convinces the sheriff to release our hero.  They then make their way to the mental hospital.

When they get to the hospital all the power is off, cause crazy people don’t need power dontcha know.  They make their way to the kids ward where he is huddling in a small pool of light protected (for now) from the clutches of the tooth fairy.  After scooping him up and ripping a few emergency lights from the wall they make their way quickly down the hallway to the elevator.  Now remember the power is completely off, none of the lights (except the emergency battery ones) are on…the building has Zero power and they get to the elevator and push the button and…anyone anyone? It lights up.  The elevator arrives (brightly lit naturally) and they get in.  At this point I am fairly certain I had a grand mal seizure mixed with a dash of torrettes.

Thankfully there were only Four of us in the theater…

The sheriff is now convinced that the evil tooth fairy killed our hero’s family and they are now determined to end her curse on the town.  Our hero(s) race to local lighthouse and rig the light so that when the tooth fairy is there they will cleanse her with the searing light of well whatever…  Insert the usual death-defying “you have to go on without me” scenes followed by our hero(s) saving the day and burning (ironic) the evil tooth fairy with the cleansing light of a jerry rigged light house beam.  Everyone is happy and the movie ends.

I was seriously thrilled that I only had to pay $2.00 to see this film, any higher than that and I would have demanded flesh (Merchant of Venice style yo).

On My Face! (or On Your Face Part Deux)

After watching the first movie my tormentors friends and I flounced off to the local movie house see the newest installment of horror. Yes dear reader(s) I went off to see New Moon.  Now I do want to mention that I could not bring myself to actually pay money to see this movie.  So cash was handed over to my companions as the thought of actually asking for a ticket and handing over money still to this day causes pain.

We made our way to the designated theatre and I insisted that we sit somewhere in the back where I could have a higher probability of escape from the ravening clutches of the obsessed.  For I knew that I would not be able to resist making comments and I could not bear the humiliation of being torn to shreds by a rampaging horde of Twilight fans.  So back row it was.

The movie opens on our sleepy little, cloud enshrouded town somewhere in the depths of Washington and it is our heroines birthday.  A happy little party is being thrown by our sparkly friends who also apparently bake.  While picking up the knife to cut the cake our hapless heroine who is also apparently a real klutz manages to slice open her hand.  And no dear reader(s) she does not sever an artery thus ending the horror it is merely a superficial cut.  The blood runs slowly down her arm and a member of Edward’s family loses control and charges across the room only to be body blocked by our hero Edward.

Thus it is decided that despite their love (which knows no bounds) Edward and family must leave the State of Washington, now bear in mind that we are maybe Fifteen minutes into the movie.  As our heroine is getting the news that the vamps are leaving she has this intense look on her face  (somewhere between constipation and being punched in the kidney repeatedly) she says with great feeling “I am coming.”  At this point I begin to giggle uncontrollably and I look to my left and my tormentor friend is desperately trying to maintain dignity.

Because of my weaken state the Imp of the perverse now has unrestrained control over my vocal capacity and I lean over and utter the famous words: “On YOUR face!”  And much laughter was had and of course our heroine was sadly rebuffed by her beloved which if my count is correct is the 2nd or 3rd time Edward has tossed her aside like a used kleenex.  After extracting a promise from his kleenex beloved about not hurting herself Edward (and family) disappear into the World.  Emotionally crushed (yet again, sensing a theme yet?) our heroine spirals into depression (again).  At this point I wonder if the author is trying to offer a solution to global warming by encouraging the youth of the World to kill themselves but I digress from the material at hand.

Our kleenex heroine now spends a large amount of time staring out the window and screaming in her sleep.  Time passes and finally she emerges from her cocoon of misery.  Whilst out and about with a friend of hers she decides to hop a ride with a complete stranger and off she shoots on the back of a motorcycle leaving her friend all alone.  A truly considerate person our kleenex heroine is.  And zooming through the streets she sees a ghostly image of her abuser beloved telling her that she is not being safe (or some shit like that).

At this point she discovers that if she rides the adrenaline roller coaster she can be with or at the very least hallucinate about her abuser beloved.  Off she goes and buys a couple of broken down dirt bikes and convinces a friend that he needs to repair the bikes while she looks on and sighs morosely.  Time passes and she appears to be having fun with Jacob her local Native American friend and he takes a lot of abuse about his White girlfriend.  The bikes get fixed and off they go a-riding and of course she sees Edward once again telling her that she is a moron.

At this point Jacob takes ill and is seeing no visitors.  He has wolfed out and is now a werewolf and also he apparently got into remarkable shape because damn that boy had a washboard stomach anyone would kill for.  I want to mention that when the first scene of Jacob with his shirt off cause a great sigh to erupt from my tormentor friend who has apparently been lusting after him since he was Sharkboy.

Rejected once again our kleenex heroine demands answers and thus finds out that Jacob has mange become a werewolf.  She also discovers that the group of cliff divers she witnessed earlier are also in the pack of doggies.  Jacob who is of course totally enamored with our kleenex heroine is of course constantly being handed the Friend card by Bella is concerned about hurting her if he should lose control.  She is of course accepted by the doggies because she digs the freaky stuff and thus she is introduced to the pack leaders woman who was mauled by him at some point in the past as evidenced by the huge scars covering her face.  I know that love hurts but damn, I am getting the impression that the author is a fan of weak willed women who stay with their abusers because he “loves” them.

Anyway, our kleenex heroine decides to feel life again and decides to try cliff diving for herself.  Off she leaps and after some battering by the sea is eventually rescued by Jacob.  At this point the future seeing vampire is convinced that Bella has killed herself in grief and darling Edward of course reads her mind and is now going to kill himself by revealing himself to humans in Italy.  Alice the future seer comes back to discover that Bella is dating/not dating a werewolf and also the fact that Bella is in fact alive.

A short amount of girl talk later Alice and Bella are off to Italy to stop Edward from being killed by other vampires.  They end up in a town where all of the people are wearing red cloaks in celebration of the time humans drove vampires from the town.  At this point I start to scratch my head in wonder.  So the plan is that Edward is going to reveal his sparkly-ness to the humans of a town that drove them from the town a Hundred years ago, go back to the vampire leaders and then have them rip him into pieces.  Now if the humans still celebrate this day wouldn’t they already know that vampires are real?

A brief race through the crowd and Bella manages to tackle Edward and force him back into the church where the vamp leaders are hiding.  Now I do believe that I previously mentioned that vampires are only pale from the neck line up, and this is once again made entirely evident when Edward has his shirt off but I digress again.  Off the group goes to speak with the vamp leaders and it is decided that Bella is a threat because she knows too much and she must either be killed or turned into a vampire and that this needs to happen in a certain amount of time.

Edward’s family returns to Washington and it is decided that they will eventually turn her into a vampire but that this doesn’t have to happen now.  The movie of course ends with a decision that needs to be made by our kleenex heroine.  While taking her home the car is stopped by Jacob who tells Bella that she can either be with Edward or Him that he cannot be her friend/lover if she is a vampire hanger-on.  At this point she says something along the line of “Don’t make me choose between the man who is emotionally abusive to me or the man who is doggedly (heh) devoted to her.  That because the author has a really fucked up view of the World and that women should be subservient to those that abuse them she will choose her abuser.”  Maybe it is Stockholm Syndrome or maybe she has the spine of a jellyfish I guess we will have to wait and see.