December 20, 2009 1 Comment
Please remain calm Internet, for the meaning of title will become clear but first there needs to be a history lesson. Some of my absolute favorite movies are awful, absolute pieces of shit the kind of movies that just causes your brain to liquify and run out of your ears and nose. Now the more awful the movie the more likely that I cannot resist the urge to make some kind of comment.
Be it a simple “What the fuck?” to more inspired comments like “on your face!”. I can be a real joy to watch a movie with. I should warn you that eating or drinking anything around me while watching a movie can be hazardous to your health. Sometime remind me to tell you about the ‘penis’ incident but I digress…
So, a tormentor friend called in a favor and thus I was being forced to go see New Moon. I do assure you that I am not now nor ever have been a thirteen year old girl and I never had any intention of going to any of the Twilight movies but the marker was called in and thus I was honor bound to go. However it was decided that since I knew nothing of the story a viewing of the original movie was required before schlepping off to see the newest horror. So my tormentors friends came over a few hours early and my own personal trip into the Heart of Darkness began.
Now the trip begins with our heroine being transplanted from sunny Arizona where she is living with dear ol mom and her newest husband, who is apparently a baseball player of the minor league variety, back to Dad who is a Sheriff of a tiny town located somewhere in Washington state. Now the reason she is being sent back to daddy is apparently mom and step-dad now need to flounce off to Florida for spring training and the little one cannot be trusted to be home alone.
So off goes our forlorn heroine to the Pacific Northwest where everyday is apparently shrouded in gloom with her cactus. Which on second thought was apparently confiscated by the TSA since it never actually makes it to Washington. Hmm, curious…
Bella (our heroine) shows up for her first day of school during the 2nd semester of school. Walking into school she apparently aquires new friends/classmates like a rash and she is all out of calamine lotion and off she flounces to first period where she meets our protagonist. As she wanders into biology class our male hero Edward reacts to her presence so violently I got the impression that Bella was not a fan of personal hygiene and of course she is settled in as his brand new lab partner.
He of course proceeds to ignore her while squirming in what appears to be actual physical pain. It was later explained to me that our hero could smell her blood and that it was like setting a kilo of heroin in front of junky and saying Merry Christmas!
Of course our heroine is emotionally crushed and at lunch is encouraged to sit with yet more new instant friends (just add water!) but woe is to her! Days pass and darling Edward is nowhere to be found and our poor heroine continues her existential slide into Emo-ness. I mean all she is missing is the sad journal filled with bad poetry and an emotional tear-stained blog.
I then get the impression that apparently being a teen-aged vampire is dull and going through High School dozens of times is more exciting than well… anything else.
Fast-forward a bit and she of course discovers that Edward and his family are vampires (shocking!) and have all sorts of cool super powers, this is also where she discovers that Vampires apparently sparkle when in direct sunlight. OK, sparkle? Really? That’s the huge secret? I mean I was filled with the urge to beat him to death, but I just thought it was shitty writing not the fact that vampires sparkle. Oh and vampires are only pale from the collar line up… hmm interesting.
So darling Bella is accepted into Edwards family with amazing speed and she gets to play in all the reindeer vampire games. It is revealed that Edwards family are vegetarian vampires meaning they are lame do not feed on humans but instead dine on poor old Bambi’s mom. Oh and did I mention that is Bella also a vegetarian? Oh I do need to mention that throughout this ‘movie’ people are being savaged by wild animals which of course is later to be revealed the work of ‘bad’ vampires.
While on a vampire family outing to play baseball (which needs to be played during a thunder-storm natch) the bad vampires show up. A peace summit ensues and the bad vampires basically say “my bad” and agree to go away but then (dun-dunt-dun) the ‘tracker’ bad vampire smells dear ol Bella and the rumble is on! Edward whisks away poor defenseless Bella to safety. It is then decided that Bella needs to be taken from Washington to hide from the evil ‘tracker’ vampire.
Now we come to the reason of this post. As the plan is discussed to get Bella to safety Edward makes the declarative statement of “I am coming”. At this point I have suffered through about at least an hours worth of movie (hard to remember precisely thanks to PTSD) and before I even realized it I announced to the room with great verve “ON YOUR FACE!?!” Several minutes of laughter of course followed because you gotta love money shot jokes. Bella is taken off to Arizona while the ‘good’ vampires take care of the problem. So long and I do mean long story short. Bella is captured by the evil ‘tracker’ vampire taken to her old dance studio, Edward shows up a big fight happens the evil vampire is defeated, ripped apart limb from limb and barbecued with great relish.
So ends the trip our first little foray into hell. Stay tuned for part Two or “How I successfully escaped death from a rampaging horde of Twilight fans.”